if only | ha yoonbin

12

Dain's POV

It's the day of the performance and to be honest, i'm really excited for it. Let me ask you guys who have braces a question, how's life when your brackets are pointy?

my brackets scratched my gum and it hurts so bad so here I am, 4:30am, waiting for my friend to get the wax for me.

I practiced my song a few times since i'm rather nervous for the performance. It's my last performance so I don't want it to go wrong.

A slight smile crept onto my face as I clicked onto an icon on my home screen.

Pubg.

I played a game and it's time for me to meet my friend. I got changed and went downstairs to get the wax.

I looked up at the dark sky and there's not a single soul around. I spotted a tall figure at the side and I walked over, " Thanks! " I got the wax and ran home.

After applying the wax onto my bracket, I changed into my school shoes and grabbed my bag before heading to school. It's the first time i'm this early for school.

I walked as slowly as I could but when I looked at my phone, I took less than five minutes.

Time passed and it's finally the start of the whole New year celebration. Choir sat at the back of the hall since it's easier for us to leave the hall.

My eyes wandered over to a figure, Ha Yoonbin.

I tried ignoring him and everything about him but somehow I can't. It just seem like Mission impossible.

Knowing he's in school and watching the performance made me extremely nervous. Moreover, i'm the first person to walk into the hall.

I tried smiling it off, pretending as if I didn't care much about his existence but I failed really badly.

When I was about to walk off, I looked over at him and he actually turned around but when I was there, he didn't want to turn around.

Whatever.

I walked out of the hall and walked to the washroom with my friends. " Let's do the superman run. " We started running while doing the superman pose.

" Ouch. " I held onto my arm.

" What happened? " Hana asked and I burst into laughter.

" My arm started cramping. " The both of us burst into laughter as we walked into the washroom and I waited outside, leaning against the wall.

The pain is real, man.

When we got back to the hall, I sat back at the same spot again. Soon, we were ushered to leave the hall and get into our position.

When the final Chinese dance performance ended, we entered the hall. My heart was racing so hard that it almost exploded.

I looked at my teacher instead of anywhere near him. I just didn't have the confidence,
you know? I just felt like i'm such a failure.

We started singing but we can't hear the song from the speaker. We furrowed our brows, looking at our teacher to get the beat.

Some got it while some doesn't.

We smiled and swayed, trying to look less awkward but we kinda failed.

For both songs, we missed the beat. We walked out of the hall, bursting into laughter at how all of us messed it up but what's done is done and it's probably one of the more memorable performance.

Turns out, at the back of the hall, the music was blasting but yet at the front, it was just like a kitten meowing.

" Right! " I ran back into the hall and I let everyone move in front of me first before I sit. I was supposedly supposed to sit somewhere behind Yoonbin but no thanks.

When the lion dance performance came, everyone turned around but Yoonbin. He faced the front and was staring at the stage.

I looked away, ignoring him. Suddenly he turned his head slightly to talk to Hyunsuk. My eyes just wandered to him and we made eye contact before I turned away.

Throughout the whole day, he either turned his head slightly to the side or look to the front.

When the performance ended, I walked down to my classroom because I failed to hand up my folder in time. " I got to wait for Hyunsuk. " I heard someone said.

I walked past Yoonbin and his friends. I turned around, thinking Hana would be somewhere there but nope, instead I saw Yoonbin smiling.

I went into my classroom and just started packing my folder and filling up the content page.

I tossed it into my teacher's personal box before I actually went home. When I got home, my sad emotions hits me hard in the face again.

I started bursting into tears without any reason. I just had the urge to cry and I don't know why.

All of my insecurities started filling up my head and I just felt like i'm not physically attractive or personality wise attractive cause to be frank, I think i'm a snake.

I took a shower, singing at the top of my voice like nobody's business. I used to love all the happy sounding songs but these days, I jam to sad songs.

Pretty sure it's not depression, probably just really bad self confidence.

Thank god I have Areum. She's always there for me and I really appreciate her even though our hobby is insulting each other.

" As someone of the same horoscope as Yoonbin, I think he likes you but yet you suck, so I don't see why he would. " I rolled my eyes.

I Have this other friend of mine who I really cherish even though we would always insult her as well. Jaera smirked, " As someone with the same birthdate as him, I think he likes you as well. "

" Can you guys stop giving me hope? I really don't think he likes me. " I leaned against the wall.

Even if he does, I don't think I have the confidence.

It's impossible for him to like me, to be frank. His style of girls are physically attractive, either really pretty or cute and have girl next door vibe.

I'm none of those.

We went to watch a local movie and the both of them cried at the part where the girl protected her dad so she got into an argument with her friends because they insulted him.

On the other hand, I cried when someone with really low self confidence got encouraged by people around him who he cherish a lot. I just felt like I can relate so much to them.

I kneeled at the side, hugging my knees.

Even if he's satan, at least he plays a significant role in hell but yet I'm nothing in hell.

Also, I heard Yoonbin plays the guitar and I don't know how to feel about it.

I like the feeling of seeing him from afar with my heart racing really quickly but beneath that layer of why I like having a crush, the next is feeling inferior.

Liking someone when having low self esteem if feeling as if he's always up there and you'll always be down there, unable to be on the same level.

I sighed as I stood in front of the mirror, seeing my reflection.

Why can't I be pretty too?

5th Feb 2019

happy Chinese new year everyone!!

ps. I found out Yoonbin played the guitar last year but forgotten to add it in :"

and i wanna thank you guys who actually comforted this emotional snake here, i'm really very thankful for all of your comments <3