Suicide Girl (A Diabolik Lovers Story)

Chapter 25: Cruel Anxiety

Author note: As someone who deals with irrational anxiety on a regular basis, I really tried to pour those types of feelings into this chapter, with both Ren and Shu dealing with their painful thoughts in similar ways. 

Also, here's a video of the piece I imagine Shu playing in this chapter. Very intense and difficult piece.

"I'm...I'm such an idiot!" Ren cried out loud as she finally collapsed on the roof of the school. Falling to her knees, she wiped at her tear-soaked face in frustration.

"I've been so stupid," she whimpered to herself, "Reiji was right. I was being far too narrow minded."

Ren exhaled almost painfully as the realization of everything kicked in.

Her mind was in chaos. Deep down, she had known how unrealistic she had been in getting swept up in her emotions. For a moment, she had forgotten what life was like for her before she met Shu.

But now, the feelings of worthlessness and shame from always being on display her whole life were affecting her in the worst way.

Still crumpled on the ground, she sighed heavily before leaning herself against the building. She sat there for who know how long until she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Fearing it might be Shu, Ren hid her face and clenched her eyes tightly.

But a soft feminine voice broke her out of her manic state.

"Shizumi-san, are you up here?" Yui called out gently, wearing a concerned expression. Sighing deeply in relief, Ren shuffled slightly, causing Yui to look in her direction.

"Ren-san!" Yui exclaimed in seeing Ren in her post meltdown state as she ran over and knelt down beside her.

"Oh my gosh, what happened?" She asked, appearing very worried for her. Ren inhaled and mumbled, "There's something wrong with me, Yui..."

"Why would you say that? There's nothing wrong with you from what I see," she consoled while reaching out and placing a supportive hand on Ren's shoulder.

"What brought you up here?" Ren asked, feeling weary all of a sudden.

"Shu asked me to check for you. He said you probably needed some space so he sent me instead. Figured a girl could better understand another girls troubles better than he could."

"How considerate of him," Ren chuckled bitterly before sighing heavily, "Yui, I don't know what to do. I feel like a monster who forced him to be part of my life against his will. Now all I've done is act selfish and force unrealistic expectations on him. It's like I'm using him to fulfill some weird fantasy I have."

"But Shu doesn't mind that, does he? He wouldn't be doing any of this if he didn't feel something similar," she retorted, "I told you. He's the type who won't lift a finger unless he himself wants to. You really do mean a lot to him."

Ren groans and attempts to explain, "Part of me gets that I'm important to him but I just realized that I still have a lot of unresolved trauma I need to work out and it keeps coming out when we are together. I'm scared of hurting him if I lose my way again."

"Do you mean to say that you still want to die?" Yui asks for confirmation.

Ren's eyes were tinged with guilt as she answered, "Yeah...it lingers in the back of my mind. Most days I can completely ignore it but it's still there. If I really lost it one day and went through with it, I think it would probably really affect Shu. He's lost someone close to him before and it affected his entire life."