Lost Cause [Imagine Dragons Fanfic]

24 - Clarity II

Dan:

I don't see any other way to get out of this situation than telling them the truth.

Something I've tried to keep to myself because if people know about it, it only gets you in trouble.

Something that I never wanted to talk about because it brings too many bad memories back.

Something that on the one hand is so obvious, but on the other one, I've learned to hide.

Something that I try to brush off as if it doesn't bother me anymore, even though it for sure does.

I build up all my courage and say: "Because they are dead."

That silences all of them. Shocked faces staring at me making me lower my eyes because I hate that look, the judgment, just everything it stands for. The 'I am so sorry for you look', the one you can never know if it's real or fake just to make you feel better. Even though it doesn't make everything better, I hate seeing people like that!

"I-uhm," Ben tries to say something, but I just shrug my shoulders, which makes me grind my teeth in pain, but I don't show them. Never show someone your weakness!

I take a deep breath and look up again. All emotion washed out of my face, if someone knows your weak spot, they can easily hurt you. No matter if you trust them, you can't be 100% sure about a person, especially after knowing them a few weeks, they could just act as if they care and when you let down your walls... I've been to weak in front of them anyways, I mean, a panic attack in front of Platz? What was wrong with me?  What happens now matters, I have to show them that it doesn't matter anymore!

"Don't worry, they've been dead for quite some time now. I'm used to that, you don't have to be all worried and stuff like that, I know how it feels without parents," I say and try to sound as distant and calm as possible.

Since nobody says a word, I continue: "Sooo, can I go now?"

But Michael shakes his head. "No, I'll have to take a look at your shoulder and since we probably won't be able to call someone and you for sure wouldn't get it checked, we can do that right now!"

I sigh and sit down, still keeping myself together, although I'm burning inside. I hate talking about my parents because I certainly don't want to think back about what happened. And to add more to that, Michael has to look at my shoulder. I'm not sure if I'm able to bear with someone's hands touching me right now, too many memories are in my head, swirling around.

I don't know why, but more and more memories keep flashing in my head, causing it to hurt and I suddenly feel dizzy. Out of the corner of my eyes, I can see Michael swapping places with Ben so he can look at my shoulder. His body keeps getting closer and with every inch, my headache gets worse and worse.

I lower my head and press my palm against my temple, but it doesn't help. I don't want him to touch me! I don't want anyone to touch me! I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but it seems like I'm a big puddle of emotions and just the slightest move is enough to cause a panic attack.

Right as Michaels' hand touches my shoulder, the place where he touches me feels boiling hot. I can't resist to immediately slap his hand away and scream: "Don't f***ing touch me!"

Just as I lift my arm up in the air to slap his arm away, a loud cracking sound comes from my shoulder and I immediately lower my arm again, nearly crying out in pain. I take a deep breath and fall back on the couch, holding my arm and not looking at anyone, just trying to control myself again. That just was the second time I silenced all of them and now I feel really stupid.

I rub my arm, trying to distract me from the gnawing but decreasing pain. My eyes won't leave the floor, because the pain made me come back to my senses. I know what game they just played, judging by his look I can feel at my back, and boy they played it well.

Although I don't really want to, I look up and face Michael, trying not to show him that I feel like crying. "Wow. Okay. Well played, I gotta admit that," I shake my head on my own stupidity because I'm sure they won't let me go that easily anymore.

Michael smiles and as I take a glance at Olivia, I can see that she does the same. The other three are exchanging confused looks though and Ben asks: "What are you even talking about?"

Michael clears his throat and explains: "Pretty much from the first day we met Dan, Olivia and I knew something was wrong, you know how good we're at reading people. The way he talks, the way he changes the subject of a conversation without anyone noticing, the people he's talking to..."

At that point, Olivia interrupts him and says: "Not you three, but that prostitute in front of the restaurant back then, to clear that out."

"Exactly, then what you Wayne, told us about him not liking to be touched and the panic attack and how you pretty much know nothing about him, everything just adds up and we had a feeling about what's going on, at least some parts. For example, we guessed that you're not living with your parents, but I also guessed that you'd just fix your shoulder yourself, we just needed you to feel uncomfortable and a second later your dislocated shoulder is all fine again."

I still can't believe that they've planned all of that and noticed so many things, and that's bad because that means, I'm getting easier to read, I have to be more careful in the future!

"I get that you see such things, I mean as a psychiatrist, that's kinda your job, but you mom?" Wayne says still puzzled.

Now Olivia lets out a small laugh: "You know that I grew up as an orphan, Wayne. And ourselves just recognize each other, that's just how it goes," she turns around to face me. "That's another reason why I want to help you, Dan! Because I experienced quite some bad things during that time and if you'd open up just a little bit, we could maybe help you. Why won't you let us in and let us help?"

Everyone's eyes are on me again and something about Olivia's words make me snort: "Bad stuff happened in your life, huh? My whole life is so messed up, the reason I don't open up is because everything someone knows about you, can be used against you and I just can't risk that because I don't want to die!"