Winter's Dead Bride

End at last...

Now I gaze at the bright, silver stars in the night's sky, trying to find the constellation that is yours. I continue to willingly admit to failure but I'm too late as I come to realise that I have already lost a dear friend, an angelic friend who didn't have to worry so much over me... 

Do you know that I still think of your voice and smile to this day? I couldn't help but fall in love with the way you pretended you were okay even after you saw it coming all along. And the memories of your burning gaze was so powerful, carving words onto my feelings which I can now identify as 'love' but I chose to ignore your feelings out of jealousy towards her — me! Do I have to remind you that I love you?

I want to fall to my knees and plead for your forgiveness with a respectful bow as my forehead touches the ground. I want to honour you and cry at your feet like you're the king who owns my heart. Please accept my apology and gratitude...I wait eagerly to meet you again. I'm sorry for what I had caused. I'm only pleading for your pardon because I adore you.

Do you know that feeling that lasts for a split second when you decide to trust someone? Have you ever felt it? Did you also trust my silent wails for a split second as I trusted you when you took your life? Do you know that I worked hard too? It was difficult trying to hold back as I watched you die but it was me who you treasured so much and...I treasured you too. Because even if you were to beg me to kill you, I wouldn't have done it. Instead, I would have killed myself and accepted to be punished for another 30,000 years...because even though my eyes were cold, your warmth burned me with love when you embraced me. I'll forever cherish you.

There was a slight spark inside me when I remembered your name, Teí. It uplifted me, making me forget all the questions that tortured me inside because they didn't need to be answered yet. For a second, I was motivated to create a Universe just for the both of us but it's okay now... I'll see you soon. You gave me your angel's wings, you made me feel as if I had just entered Paradise with fully-grown white wings when everyone else thought I'd surely be heading to Hell. Thank you.

 But I keep being reminded that it was because I was arrogant and cruel. That's why you were snatched from me. I still can't help but ball my fists or pull my hair back in frustration when these thoughts invade my mind. I find myself wiping away every single teardrop on my own now, where are you? You know that you've already broken me so please...find a way to repair me again. You were the best part of my life and the worst thing when you kissed me goodbye. Your presence was significant and now each hall feels empty without you...but that's not until I close my eyes and I see you standing there. I feared to lose you more than I feared the darkness and emptiness that lingered within me. Is it wrong that I still long for you to save me?

I find myself saying things like: "if only I knew, I would have done everything differently, you know?" Or "this is not what I intended to happen" and "I regret my actions and therefore I'm weighed down with remorse..."

And I know I'll never touch you for as long as I live as you keep fading into white after I blink my eyes and it's the morning again... That is until the day comes when my wandering soul finds its way back into your embrace... 

I hate you. You're such a horrible person! You never even gave me time to reply to your confession... 

Did you hear? 

I know you have more power than I do and more will...so why haven't you returned yet? But the more I want to hate you, I fall deeper into this wrapping ocean that we both call "love".

I keep finding my thoughts wandering to you, asking how you can be cruel... I love you, okay? So tell me once again...

Tell me you love me.

It's a lot more beautiful when you say it...

Those feelings that are evoked within me grow deeper as everyday passes me by...