Written by: black_and_nerdy
Cover
I'm not a big fan on the cover sorry. The guy in it, he's blending a bit to much with the background. The title, you can barely see. Maybe try a different colour? An authors name needs to be put on there aswell :)
Description
I love this description! It's well written and it definitely pulls you in. The story sounds really really interesting and I'm actually looking forward to read it.
Chapter one
Really great start so far. Right, I dont understand how you gasp and then your book tumbles out of your hands. It happens the exact same time. So rather than: ' I gasped and my textbook tumbled to the ground' Me personally I think: ' I gasped as my textbook tumbled out of my grasp' sounds better. The word penetrates doesnt exactly go that well with the flow in that sentence. I'd remove penetrates and just leave 'wets my clothes some more'
This chapter was really good, its just lacking description a bit. To me it just sounds like the basic stories where they just go 'I got out of bed and went to school' that's what your story sounds like to me. I feel like you can add more, perhaps try adding more description when shes in the bathroom drying off. What did she think of the guy? What did the bathroom look like? Add that little bit more. Another part, she doesn't seem bothered by the fact that he's waiting by her classroom? Wouldn't that be a bit strange? He's new but he knows where her classroom is. Why doesn't she have friends ? Explain to us. Is there a reason behind her being a loner? You've done a bit of a mistake...you wrote ' he was wearing that irresistible smile again' you never mentioned him having an irresistible smile though? Okay your dialogue is annoying me now. One minute they're annoyed at each other and barely talking and then he's walking up to her shouting "hey you" and asking if she's okay? It doesnt quite add up. I'm really confused, had Dylan been in the school for a while or just moved. Because there's nothing about her learning about him.
Overall
I'm not impressed....I'm really not. That last chapter...you left us off on a cliffhanger which is great but you haven't updated for a very long time. Please update, I really wanna know what happens. I would love to know more about brooke aswell. Anyway, getting back to the point. I throughly enjoyed this story, I like that you added more dialogue further on in the story and gave us more. However, I really dislike that your chapters are short. You could try adding more or if your struggling to make it seem longer. Add more to the author notes, that's what I do sometimes lol. But this story is great apart from a few minor issues, stated up above in Chapter One section.
Positives
•Plot
•Author notes
Negatives
•Dialogue
•Characters/thoughts
•Describing the surroundings
•Cover
•Chapter length
•Schedule/updates
5.5/10
Reviewed by Sarah
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