Through My Eyes

Before The Storm

After that, we never had the chance to talk about it. She became busier at work and would often skip dinner with me or with the family. 

I, on the other hand, focused on my career. I no longer hurry in finishing my reports and would allow myself to join my office mates if they asked to stay or eat somewhere. I would also choose to commute and walk a little slower than usual. I tried to fool myself by saying that I just want to enjoy every moment, but in reality, I just don't want to go home seeing an empty bed.

I thought that by giving her enough space, she can think and maybe realize things that might end her confusion. Maybe giving her ample time to think without me influencing her decision will be the best thing to do. 

Yeah, I know sooner or later, she'll decide if we are to continue or not. So I got to be ready for the possible big heartache.

Don't blame me if I felt the need to protect myself. It was after all my defense mechanisms. I've been hurt before so I know it's not easy. Also, I built my world around her, so knowing that we might end soon, will surely leave me devastated and so I want to give myself a chance to plan and think how can I ever get up the moment 'together' ends.

So how? Where to start? What should I do? Can I survive?

I prayed for this. I prayed for this relationship. I prayed for us? Why does it need to end?

Why am I not enough?

I can't believe there could be an 'end' to this beautiful, crazy love affair.

Why?

Maybe forever is really not true. Maybe I am not meant to be with someone. Just like what she said.

We are to celebrate our 'monthsary' in the next few days. Although we've been together for more than 2 years, we still celebrate monthsaries. 

We recently had a series of petty fights. About work schedules, consistent communication, and a lot more.

I'm not good at arguments with her because I will always let her win. I think that it's better to lose a fight or an argument rather than lose the love of my life. Cheesy but it's true. I can't deny the fact that I'm really in love with her and that I'm willing to give up everything even my pride just not to lose her.

I went home early that day, thinking of resting as I was really exhausted. Handling new hires is not easy. It's the most challenging type of class for me. You gotta be that animated and engaging because they are new and you want them to feel welcomed.

At the end of the day, it's draining but worth it, because I get to build new connections - friends. Time to go home and start the battle outside the office. After an hour of commuting, all I want is to do is get some sleep. 

I freshened up, changed clothes and head to bed. But the moment my body touched the soft mattress and stuffy pillows, the desire to sleep were suddenly nowhere to be found.

I texted her and asked what time she'll leave her office. I offered to pick her up but she declined so I told her that I'll just wait for her.

While waiting, I played mobile games to keep me entertained and hoping it will tire my eyes so I can sleep. Moments later, there is still, no trace of sleepiness.

When she texted me that she's near the house, I immediately went out and opened the gate for her. I helped her with her things as we get in. I let her change her clothes and freshen up before I asked her to eat. She said that wasn't in the mood to eat at home so I asked her out. Weird but she declined, saying that she's tired to go out, she wants to stay in the room. She then mentioned that she's craving for Tapsilog. Without thinking twice, I told her, I'll buy her favorite Tapsi which is located a few blocks from our house.

I went out and bought us food.

When I came home, I immediately prepared the food and allowed her to eat as much as she can because I know that's how she recuperate from stress. We were both silent as we munch in the food. You can only hear the sound of the metal utensils clicking while it hits the glass plate.

The silence was unusual and it's making me nervous.

"B? Kamusta sa work?" I asked.

She didn't respond so I stayed silent.

After she finished her dinner, I took the plate and utensils. I cleaned the after meals mess while I let her do her thing - phone time.

After washing the dishes, I went back to our room and fixed myself. I lay beside her and did my first attempt to cuddle her. But the moment, I was about to hug her, she moved away with a frown.

Alright, she's still not in a good mood. What should I do?

Usually, if she's not feeling good, she just wants me to talk to her. That's why it's unlikely for her not to engage in me trying to get her into a catch-up.

So I try to do it my way, which is the 'lambingan'. But I already failed on my first attempt. I'm not giving up though. Let's try again.

"B..." I called her sweetly as I move closer and kissed her cheeks.

"B ano ba?!" She exclaimed and it made me stop and pull back.

Okay... Red flag! Ayaw palambing. So what should I do?! I don't want her to get mad.

I need to try something. I need to break the barrier.

I looked at her and she's so focused and busy on her phone so I asked, "May problema ba B?"

No answer.

"Sa office ba? Is it your boss again or yung kawork mo?" I asked.

I just saw her frown but didn't bother to answer.

Okay, last attempt.

I moved closer and said, "I'll just be here if you need someone to talk to or for any help."

I kissed her temple and lay my body beside her. I took my phone and played mobile games.

Soon after, I fell asleep.