Through My Eyes

Searching the Light

Thank God for technology, there was no need for me to wait on the line as I already checked-in online. Instead of going to the boarding area, I walked towards the escalator to take me to the second floor. I took a deep breath while I listen to the Christmas song being played.

Last Christmas,

I gave you my heart

But the very next day you gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

My first Christmas away from you B. Hindi ko akalain na mangyayari to. Akala ko we'll celebrate Christmas together na lagi. Pero sabi nga, 'walang forever'.

I went to a nearby cafe and bought a caffeine booster. Instead of sitting on the couch, I walked outside and stop in front of the glass railing. I looked at the busy check-in area. Despite some people running from different areas, I can still see the smile on their faces. I somehow felt their excitement of going home to their family and spending the holidays with them. I am doing the same thing, but why is it that my heart isn't really feeling 'genuine' happiness. What's wrong with me?

After moments of staring and thinking of what could have been, I looked at my watch. Oh my, I only have a few minutes left before the boarding time. So I threw the paper cup on the nearby bin, fixed my bag and walk towards the escalator. I walked briskly towards the boarding area and followed the rules.

In a few minutes, I found myself, hurrying towards the bay where I am supposed to board. In no time, I'm already walking inside the aircraft. I slowly lifted my bag and arranged it inside the overhead bin. I slipped into the seat next to the window and put my headset on. I managed to play my recently created playlist on Spotify - Find Me Please. I took a gum from my canister and started chewing before I relaxed my back then closed my eyes. I tried to drift away into melancholy.

Soon, I felt aircraft moving and getting ready to take off. Usually, in our past travels, B will hold my hand because she knows how stressed I am because of my fear of heights. But B is not here. I am alone. I need to face my fear alone. No one's going to save me but myself.

I continued to close my eyes and utter a prayer as the aircraft zooms and glide to the sky. I hoped for a fair sky so we won't experience turbulence. When we were already flying smoothly above the clouds, I gaze at the beautiful sea of puffy blue and white sky candies.

I wish I'm still a kid. Not worrying about anything apart from the idea of how to touch the clouds. I wouldn't have to mind about falling in love and experiencing heartaches. I wish it's not this hard. I wish I'm strong enough to handle all the pain.

In less than an hour, the pilot expertly landed the plane at Mactan International Airport. I smiled and excitedly took my things and hurriedly went out of the airplane.

I closed my eyes as the ray of sunlight touched my skin. Oh, Cebu! My favorite city. A lot of good memories started to flood my mind and I can't help but smile as I recall each event.

I can't count how many times I've been to this city. Always my go-to place. I booked an Uber ride before I went to the pick-up area. I wanted to visit Sto Nino before anything else.

"Maayong adlaw Ma'am!" The Uber driver greeted me.

"Maayong hapon Noy!" I replied.

The driver smiled and said, "Abi naho tagalog ka ma'am. Di na diay kinahanglan magtagalog!"

I just smiled and said, "Hapit sa ko ni Senior Sto Nino noy! Pasalamat sa ko..."

"Maayo na Ma'am!" The driver replied then he started driving towards the destination.

It took us about an hour before we arrived at the Basilica Minore del Santo Nino de Cebu. I walked inside the church grounds and went straight to where the Sto Nino is located. The line was long but it doesn't matter. I just need to feel you again Lord. I need you now more than ever and I know that You're the only one that can heal my heart.

I prayed as I wait in line for my turn to get a glimpse of the Sto Nino. I closed my eyes as I entered the room and prayed.

Lord, thank you for the opportunity to visit you again. I am always grateful and blessed because You never leave me in my good and bad times. My heart is broken, please heal me. Help me to forgive others but most of all, help me to forgive myself for all the things that I should have done but didn't do. I knelt in front of Him touched His relic and made the sign of the cross. 

I closed my eyes again.

I lift everything to You Lord God. I am Yours. Make me an instrument of your unconditional love.

I walked out of the room after a few seconds to give way to the other devotees. I went to light a few candles for thanksgiving and for some special intentions before I went to Magellan's Cross which is right beside the Sto Nino Church.

I was feeling a bit hungry so I visited the local food house my family and I would usually go to after hearing mass at the well-known church. 

It was nice to eat local dishes and eat like a local. This is how I usually travel, I try to fit in with the locals. The last time I was here in Cebu, I was with B and we usually go to popular and expensive places. It was so comfortable that I didn't felt the provincial vibe.

It's already past 1 in the afternoon and I still don't know where to go. So I scroll over Facebook to get an idea of what to do. I want to go somewhere serene or at least somewhere where I can find peace.

Alright, I think I know where I am going - Taoist Temple.

I walked towards the highway where the jeepney bound to Lahug is. I get in on a jeep via 17B route. Gave few coins as fare to the driver and get off at the JY Square Mall.

I've been here a few times, but this is my first, commuting to the famous tourist spot. I spoke with one of the habal-habal drivers using the local dialect to take me to the temple. He gladly took my offer and off we climb towards the peaceful place.

As soon as we arrived, I thanked the driver and went inside. I took some shots of the place to remind me of my journey.

Hindi nagbago. Ganon pa din. Matatag pa din. I said to myself as I roam around the place. There were only a few tourists around so I was free to do whatever I want.

I washed my hands as the first part of the ritual. I took my shoes off and went inside the chapel barefoot. I light few Joss sticks, knelt down with both hands holding the sticks and utter a prayer.

I took the wooden blocks, flat side up with both hands. I dropped the wooden blocks gently to the floor and checked the result. One was flat and the other was half-round, thus the answer is YES!

A smile gently emerges from my lips and then I closed my eyes and asked, Am I meant to be alone?

I took the wooden blocks again and made sure that the flat side is up with both hands. I took a deep breath before I released the blocks on the floor. Both the blocks were half-round. I looked at the guide again and what I was thinking is correct. The answer is NO!

I gave a sigh of relief, uttered a prayer of thanks and knelt down before I went out of the chapel.

I went back to the temple grounds with a smile on my face. I know this is just a challenge that I need to survive. Maybe, forever is right at the corner, waiting for me to realize it.

I didn't stay long, I asked the driver to take me to Tops to spend the rest of the afternoon roaming around and looking at the city. I saw how the dusty sky and cityscape turned to beautiful city lights.

It was already late when I went back to the JY Square Mall and booked an Uber to take me to the usual inn, my family and I stay whenever we decide not to stay at our relative's place.

It was a long day but I had fun even if I'm alone. I managed to see the experience as enriching to my soul which I hope will help me continue my journey. I didn't bother checking my phone. I just want to be alone.

After my night rituals, I lay on the cozy bed and drifted away into slumber.