Through My Eyes

What's Next?

Will you blame me if I tried to cushion myself before I hit the ground?

Months after she told me she isn't sure about me, us, and the kind of relationship we have, I thought of building my support group so I can be ready once the dreadful day comes. 

We are still together but I am already hurting. What's more, if she decides to end our 'together'? So slowly, I tried to communicate and spend more time with my family, my friends, and my office mates. I  surrounded myself with people that I can trust and can help me in case I finally break down. They may not know it, and I may not tell them everything but I know in my heart that they also appreciate me reaching out. My world revolved around B and so losing her is like losing myself. But I don't want that to happen because the last time I got hurt, I felt like there is no more tomorrow. That's why I should know better now. (I hope so...)

"Nice to have you back! Buti naman napagbigyan mo kami magjam. Namiss ka kaya namin kajam!" Ryan said.

"I missed it too. I used to love this naman." I replied.

"Well, you know naman that you are always welcome to jam with us. And if you need us, pwede nating daanin sa ma-boteng  usapan yan!" Ryan continued.

I laughed and said, "Ikaw talaga! Puro ka kalokohan. But kidding aside, thank you. I know naman na whatever happens, music will always be one of the things that I love doing. Glad I'm doing it with you guys!"

After our jamming session, I went home that day exhausted but happy. Yeah, music is my passion. It's one of the things that makes me alive. It's just so good to play the guitar again and sing with my friends. It somehow releases the pain I have in my heart.

I messaged B that I'll be home late because of overtime. I didn't tell her that I was just jamming with some friends because for sure she won't agree to it. I didn't join my friends for dinner because I'm just not in a mood for it. I'm thinking maybe, B will eat dinner with me or at least she'll save some dinner for me.

When I arrived home, I went straight to our room. I saw her sitting on our bed and is talking with someone over the phone. I placed my bag on the table and went to her to kiss her forehead. I changed my clothes and lay beside her. I was just observing her while she talks non-stop. She seems happy. Maybe it's good news from a friend or maybe she's catching up with an old friend. I took my phone since she's ignoring me, I just browsed Facebook while I wait for her. I also started to reply to some friends over messenger to catch up with them.

I switched to watching funny videos on YouTube, thus I was giggling over the videos. I'm easy to please, even the dumbest video makes me laugh. I didn't notice that her call already ended and that she's already staring at me. The only time I noticed it was when I saw her raised her eyebrow. Opppsss! Need to be ready for 'Babe' time.

I put my phone on the table and moved closer to hug and kiss her. She tried to refuse at first but I was able to make her give in. We cuddle for a while and talked about how our day went.

"Sino pala yung kausap mo B?" I asked.

"Ahh.. Friend ko.. Remember yung katropa ng ex ko na may gusto sa kanya?" She replied.

"Ahhh, oh eh kamusta naman daw? Mukang saya ng usapan nyo eh..." I asked.

"Uwi daw si ex sa December ehh, punta daw kami ng Coron..." She answered.

"Ahh so mag-Coron kayo by December...." I commented.

"Yep, samahan ko siya... Siya naman daw gagastos lahat eh... And I haven't been there..." B said.

"Ahhh... So may plan ka na for December... Alright... I'll stay na lang siguro sa bahay namin while you are away..." I mentioned.

"Stay here B. Be with my family while I am away. There's internet and you can rest..." B said.

"Ahmm... Pwede naman... Tingnan natin..." I replied.

"Oh ayan ka na naman eh, ayaw mo talaga kasama family ko..." She said a bit irritated.

"No, hindi naman sa ganun B... Okay lang naman sa akin na kasama sila, pero kasi, wala ka naman eh, maybe it's time to catch-up with my cousins. Miss ko na din sila eh..." I explained.

"Eh pwede mo naman sila puntahan if gusto mo eh... Hindi naman kita pinagbabawalan to visit them." B continued.

Oh my... Here we go again! It will always end up my fault. Isn't it that I should be on 'tampo' mode because she's making plans of traveling with her ex?

"Alam ko naman na hindi mo ako pinagbabawalan and it's my choice to stay kasi weekend na nga lang tayo halos magkasama eh. Syempre I want to spend it with you B." I said.

"Hmmp!" She said and moved away.

Ayan! She's like that, she will make 'tampo' and it ends up that I will be the one who will find ways to make her feel better. Sometimes, I'm getting tired of it too. Why? Because it's always me who's doing that part. She makes me feel that there is no room for me to feel bad or anything negative. But it is what it is. I want this right? So I have to deal with it.

I took a deep breath and did my best to make her feel better - even if I am not.

It didn't take me long before I successfully talked her through it. I gave her the assurance that I will always choose her and that I will always be there for her no matter what. We cuddled and went to sleep with smiles on our lips.

I just want to focus on us being okay. I don't want to entertain or dwell on negative feelings. I'll just be happy and contented on what I have and besides, we are sleeping early today. At long last! May it be my reward for all the things that I have done today.