I'M Bullshit

Today

It wasn't like I planned to explode in front of everyone.

Not like I went there with the sole intent to let out what's devouring my soul.

But what I learned killed me.
It manifested itself into a bullet and pulverized my heart.
I just cried and cried.
The salty tears that where shed tasted of betrayal.

I never expected everyone to rush to me.
Luke grabbed me and never let go.
My mentor.
My friend.
A father figure.
The man I looked up to.
Grabbed me, held me, told me it was going to be ok.

I cried for 2 hours and he never let me go.
He comfort me.
A hysterical weep.
As though it would never stop.

Every emotion, every screw up, every terrible decision, every "I love you" I heard from you and every one I said to you came out in those tears.

It was as though it was all a lie.

I knew though....that you'd be the one to destroy me.

You've killed me before.
And I smiled.

And now I smile too.
I'm a fool.

Because even though I know.
Even though my intuition was right .

I want to be there for you.
Even though it's agony.

Even though I go through a pack a day.

Even though my pillow is crusty from the tears I've shed every night.

I want to be there.

I want you to know THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

That that's real love.

Even though you smile when you drive that knife of yours in my body and twist.
I'll smile
Ill tell you that I love you.
I'll cry for you.
Like I always did .

Today.
Was the day you destroyed me.

Tomorrow.
I will smile.
I will love you.
And I will cry all over again.

I bawled for you today.
I bawled because you killed me.
You destroyed me.
I loved you.
I love you.
I always came running to you.
Why am I writing this?
Because I care.

*"Or am I just goin' crazy cause I miss you"