The Ill-mannered Door (humorous sci-fi)

19.1: God Save the Queen?

After what seemed entirely too long, given that we had to put up with the king's huffing, puffing and needing to take frequent breaks along the way, we eventually made it to the castle.

We entered through the large, ornate doors and were soon escorted into the throne room by the palace guards. Queen Esmerelda was busy lounging in what looked to be a quite comfortable throne and fussing with her long, brown hair while studying her appearance in a hand mirror. I really had no idea what queens did with their free time, never having met one before, but this was roughly what I expected.

As we drew closer, I noticed that the queen was sitting in the only throne in evidence, so the king remained standing before the dais, rather awkwardly, with Derek and me.

The queen, finally taking notice of the king said, "Oh, hello, dear."

"Hello, poppet," the king said hopefully.

The queen's eyes narrowed at him, and she didn't stare daggers at him as much as nice, long, jagged, and perhaps even poison dipped, swords that would go right through and out the back of him. Then she said, "You know better than to call me that. I don't like it."

"Oh, yes, quite right, dear!" Barry replied quickly, trying to inch his way behind Derek, who was having nothing of it and promptly shoved him back to the forefront.

"Yes, well, we've come to ask you for a bit of a favor, dear," the king began and when she tilted back her head to look down her nose at him, he lamely continued, "Not much of one. A trifle really."

She continued to stare, so he cinched the belt of his dressing gown more tightly, because no one can be confident in a loose dressing gown, and then reluctantly continued, "Yes, we... Oh, how silly of me, I think you remember Derek here, and this other gentleman is Tom."

"Thomas," I clarified.

The king simply blinked at me, cleared his throat loudly, then stood up straight. It was clearly time for him to be the man and take charge of the situation. So, he boldly broached the subject at hand by saying, "Right, we were wondering if maybe you might like to stop, or let's say, postpone the little nuclear celebration?"

How dim the queen might be remained to be seen, but one thing was clear, she most definitely understood the nuances and proper application of a cold, hard stare. If looks could kill, well... hers was clearly weaponized and, had we been back on Earth, it would've been immediately cloaked in secrecy as part of a black weapons project.

The king cringed under that gaze and began to tremble as he quickly added, "Just a bit maybe? A short delay, until we can work out a few minor niggles? Perhaps a brief pause?"

As a representative of men everywhere, Derek sighed.

"And why would I want to do that?" the queen finally asked, as if humoring a young child who had asked something like, "Mummy, could you please stop the world from spinning?"

"Yes, that's a very good question," the king said with an imploring look at Derek, who shook his head and clenched a fist at him with an eyebrow raise.

The king cleared his throat again as he turned back to the queen and continued, "Well, dear, this might be, umm... a bit difficult to understand, so please bear with me. You see, if we don't call off the celebration, the resulting nuclear explosion will cause the entire kingdom to, more or less, umm... blow up?"

"Surely not, dear, that would ruin the whole celebration. You are a bit dim at times dear, but if what you were telling me was true, that would make you a simpleton," the queen said, smiling and winking at me, including me in her little joke.

I nodded and smiled back.

"A bit dim? Simpleton?" the king said, his eyes flashing and his face beginning to redden. "Why, I have a Ph.D. in Nuclear Physics from Manchester!"

The queen looked terribly impressed and then turned an expectant gaze upon Derek.

Derek quickly said, "Hey, don't lump me in with the slipper crowd here," gesticulating toward the king and me and looking rather smug. "I've been trying to get out of here for a while now."

The queen looked Derek up and down, taking in his outfit of running shorts and the "Just do it later" t-shirt and then promptly lumped him right in.

For my part, after witnessing the results of the previous efforts, I thought it would be best to just stand by quietly. After all, I had earned a smile and a wink from the queen, and though I wasn't quite sure what that was worth, I'm really not much of a gambler. So, I preferred not to bet everything on whatever comment my mind might venture.

The queen looked at me expectantly for a brief moment, but I remained silent, for which I earned a smirk. That meant I was now up by a smile, a wink, and a smirk, so I felt quite pleased that I was doing well.

Her Majesty then moved on, "Well, I've enjoyed this little chat immensely, dear, but I need to go oversee the final preparations for the celebration. Hard to find good help, you know. So, I must be going now. The guards will show you out."

"Show me out? But I'm the king! This is my castle! I live here!" Barry protested ineffectively as the guards began to usher us out of the throne room.

"See you later at the celebration, Barry. Don't be late," the queen said with a final wink.

I wasn't quite certain if that wink was only meant for the king, or for us as a group, as we were tightly clustered by the guards at the time. However, I believed that I could make a case for the later, so I happily added another wink to my total.