The Ill-mannered Door (humorous sci-fi)

26: Ode to Heroes

Now, there are those brave souls, most of whom seem to frequent shops that sell nothing but shirts that are far too short for them and pants which are entirely too loose, who stand in the gap between the rest of humanity and their plumbing. The rest of humanity being quite thankful to simply stand back and spectate from a careful distance as these heroes deal with all manner of brackish, sludge-dripping hairballs and the scraping off of sodden wax toilet rings well past their prime. And, despite the fact that their acts of extreme heroism can come at a price that would bankrupt a small country, it is generally considered to be money well spent.

Unfortunately, we had no such heroes to throw money at to make this problem go away.

At Derek's mention of the privy, I would swear that my life flashed before my eyes and then ground to a halt at the portion where we had first entered that foul dungeon room. Now I was faced with the thought of having to descend into an underground river of sorts, one whose headwaters may very well originate at that selfsame privy. The horror I felt was unimaginable.

I approached the grate with great dread and then knelt to peer down the hole below it. There was scarcely more than a modicum of light down below, but it was enough for me to see the brown river of sludge flowing by perhaps ten meters or more below.

Then that all too familiar smell suddenly reached up out of the hole and slapped me full across the face. I reeled. I felt ill. I staggered back and began to shake uncontrollably, cursing myself for making such a rousing speech about the importance of self-sacrifice. Oh, why hadn't I just kept my mouth shut, not to mention my nasal passages?

A last furtive glance about the room confirmed my worst fears: going down the hole was the only way out.

I steeled myself with a newfound resolve to triumph at all costs. Then I promptly began the desperate bargaining with, "Perhaps someone will come to rescue us?"

The king actually stopped his wandering and said, "Not bloody likely."

"But what about Higgins?" I asked hopefully. "He knows where we are, won't he come looking for us?"

"Well, I told him to stay on the ship, so the chances of him leaving it and coming to find us are rather slim. I'm afraid we are on our own." the king said.

Derek said, "I suppose we could always wait for your cleaning lady to suddenly show up out of nowhere to open the door for us, but what are the chances of that?"

I had to admit that Isabella saving us twice was a bit too much to hope for, and I didn't think I could afford any more of that hazard pay that she had talked about. I also couldn't bear to think that she may have been blown up with the door, and preferred to focus on the thought that she was back safe in England. The truth was that I didn't know and if I was going to have a chance to find out, we first had to get out of this room. Which required someone go down the hole beneath that infernal grate.

"Right then," I said, "who's going down the hole to come 'round and let the rest of us out?"

Derek looked at the hole and then dubiously at the king before saying, "Well, he's never going to fit through that hole, and there's no way I'm going down there."

I could tell by the look in Derek's eyes that there was no point in arguing the matter further.

"That leaves me then," I said quietly, the realization of it hitting home.

If I was ever going to have a chance to see Isabella again, I would have to go down that hole.

If I was going to stop that bomb from killing thousands of innocent people, including me, then I would have to drop down into a river of unmentionable sludge.

And, if my life was ever going to count for anything, I would have to wade through that sludge for who knew how long in the hope of reaching the outside world.

I wondered if it even led to the outside, or would I be trapped down there with no way out, waiting for the end while up to my neck in excrement?

I had no idea, but it was our last remaining chance. I had to overcome my fears and try. It all came down to that. I had to try.

It was time to man up, as it were.