The Ill-mannered Door (humorous sci-fi)

34.2: Of Malls and Men

"All right, listen up," Derek said. "There's two floors and two ends of the mall. Thomas and I will take the second floor, while Higgins, you and Barry will take the bottom. Higgins, you can go down that way, and Barry, you can go down there. Got it?"

We all nodded and headed off.

Derek took the stairs to the second floor two at a time, while I... rode up on the escalator. Yes, of course, we were in a hurry, but I wasn't about to pass up a perfectly good escalator. Not to mention the fact that it was important to pace oneself, so just sod off.

It was a weekday morning, so the crowds were smaller without the roving bands of tweens. This made our mission of trying to spot the queen easier than it might otherwise be, and though you might say I was guilty of sexist profiling, I paid the most attention to the women's clothing and shoe shops.

I reasoned that the queen was likely stopping off to find just the perfect outfit to wear while enacting her nefarious plans. After all, she may have been up to no good, but I was certain she at least wanted to look good while doing no good.

I searched for some time and wasn't having any luck whatsoever finding what I was looking for, but then I suddenly saw them. They were right there at the front of a shop just ahead of me!

I crept closer, not sure that I could believe what I was seeing, but there they were. Absolutely unmistakable. It was time for action, so I quickly crossed the remaining distance and grabbed hold of them!

I could scarcely believe my eyes, but it was all too true. I held the prize in my hands: a new pair of fuzzy ducky slippers!

Now, they weren't the same ones that I had, or rather the king now had. These ones looked better, and if the sign could be believed, they even made quacking noises as one walked in them! However, signs like that could be complete rubbish, so there was nothing for it. Claims such as these must be tested scientifically.

I removed my shoes and tucked them into my rolling luggage. Then, braving the dirty look from the woman working at the shop, I popped the slippers on my feet and began to parade about.

They were pure comfort, quite stylish, and each step was punctuated by an exquisite little quack.

Quack, quack. Quack, quack. Quack, quack.

I beamed. Yes, I simply had to have them, so I quacked right up to the cash desk and bought them on the spot.

I couldn't wait to see the king's pudgy face as he caught sight of me gallivanting about in these brand new slippers. Surely he would expire due to a sudden rush of envy.

My purchase complete, I quacked off to resume my search for the queen.

I hadn't gotten far before my mobile rang.