The Ill-mannered Door (humorous sci-fi)

23.2: Struggles in the Dark

Once Derek had gone inside, that left the king and I waiting just to the left of the double doors that comprised the front entrance of the Ministry of Wisdom. There was another hedgerow near the wall on this side, and while we weren't currently behind it, it was close enough to duck behind if another patrol of guardsmen should happen by.

It was still dark, so I couldn't see my slippers, but I knew the king was wearing them. Standing there in the soil of a flowerbed and getting them all mucky. Not to mention that he had been sweating profusely in them as he had plodded all up and down the hills around town. My slippers! I wasn't even sure I wanted them back now because of it.

"Excuse me," I whispered to him.

"Yes, what is it?"

"I would like my slippers back, please."

"Sorry, quite impossible really," the king said, then he chuckled. Actually chuckled.

That was when I tackled him! The struggle for the slippers was on, and I wasn't giving up. He was a large man, but out of shape, and I had the fire of one who's had his slippers purloined. In addition, I'd had to kneel uncomfortably behind a hedge on a cool night for who knows how long, I had no idea what had happened to my cleaning woman, and the entire kingdom was likely going to explode soon! Not to mention the fact that I had asked for them back politely and had been chuckled at for my efforts. My dander was decidedly up.

"Give me my slippers!"

"No! You can't have them!"

We rolled about in the flowerbeds struggling for the aforementioned slippers, and I had nearly managed to wrest one free when I heard a thump behind us and the creak of a door opening. The king had heard it too, and we both stopped struggling.

"Get moving!" a rather gruff voice shouted from somewhere near the doors.

I turned and saw a helmeted guard pushing what must have been Derek out the door and toward the road, threatening to stick him with a rather nasty looking sword. It seemed that we weren't exactly as home free as I had hoped.

The bat! I had lost it somewhere in the darkness when the king and I had struggled. Where was it? I reluctantly released my hold on the king's slipper-shod feet and started frantically feeling about the flowerbeds for the bat.

Another glance revealed the two shadowed forms slowly making their way along the path to the road.

Visions of being thrown back into jail and being forced to use the privy gave me renewed vigor and I cast about wildly until my hand finally landed upon a solid piece of wood. The bat! Snatching it up, I ran across the grass like a madman after the two receding figures.

I couldn't think about the fact that I may have to face an armed opponent with nothing more than a baseball bat, because if I did, I would lose my nerve. Thankfully, their backs were to me as I crossed the damp grass in a flash and cocked the bat to my right shoulder.

Before I could second guess things, I swung the bat at the guard's helmeted head for all I was worth.

Bang!

The guard dropped to the path like a felled tree.

I stood staring down at him, clutching the bat and trembling violently. Despite that, a surge of excitement coursed through me. I had done it! It was then that I turned to Derek and realized that it wasn't actually Derek standing in front of me, so I muttered, "Oh, bloody hell."

The man looked absolutely stunned as he stared back at me and then looked down at Derek's unconscious figure on the ground. Quick as a snake, the man bent down to try to retrieve the fallen sword, so with a crack of the bat, I was off for first base. Or, I would have been if his head had been a ball and this was a baseball game, which they weren't, but he fell to the ground unconscious next to Derek.

The king arrived and asked, "Hello, what's all this then?"

"I had a minor mishap," I said, still trembling.

"Minor mishap?"

I said, "Uh, yes. Say, I didn't kill him, err them, did I?"

After a quick inspection, the king said, "No, they're still breathing, but you definitely knocked them cold. Derek's got quite a dent in that helmet."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Knocking them out was fine, but I couldn't live with myself if I had killed either one of them. I was trying to save them, and the rest of the kingdom, after all.

"Do you think Derek will be upset with me?" I asked.

"Oh, most definitely, yes."

"But what was he doing wearing that helmet and holding a sword and everything?!"

"I don't know, but it looks like he might be coming around," the king said, nodding toward Derek as he began to moan and reached a hand up underneath the back of the helmet.

"Unnh, my head. What happened to my head?" Derek said, obviously in pain.

I made a shushing motion to the king, but he said, "Thomas struck you with the bat."

Yes, he completely threw me under the bus, as it were. Just smashing.

"Wha?" Derek said, peering up at me.

"Well, it's not my fault! You were dressed like a guard! I thought one of the guards had captured you, and it was dark, so how was I supposed to know it was you! And, and, where in the world were you taking him anyway?"

"I was taking him over to my duffle bags so I could get something to tie him up with!" Derek said, starting to look more angry than out of it now, which I felt was a good sign he was returning quickly to normal.

Derek got up too quickly, swayed for a moment, then shook his head and walked to where he had left his duffle bags behind a hedge. We heard some zippering and rustling before he came back with a short length of rope and a small hand towel which he handed to me and said, "Here. Tie his hands behind his back and shove this towel in his mouth to keep him quiet."

The king asked Derek, "What happened in there?"

"Things didn't exactly go the way I planned," Derek said, rubbing the back of his head.

I peeked when he had turned around and it looked like the helmet had taken the brunt of the blow, so he'd be fine, but likely would have quite the bump.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I hit my elbow with the numchucks and things just sort of went downhill after that. This guy was leading me out, but once we were out of earshot of the other guard, I overpowered this guy and took his helmet and sword."

Derek paused and rubbed his head some more, seeming to have lost his train of thought, or perhaps it had derailed, so I just thought it best to wait to see how that worked out.

Derek suddenly looked at me and said, "Hey, you didn't damage my bat, did you?"

I nervously checked the bat, but really couldn't see much in the darkness, so I said, "Uh, no. Right as rain."

"I expect that back in good condition, eh?"

I nodded.

After a few awkward moments, Derek started up again with, "All right, I'm going back in there, so get this guy tied up and drag him behind the bushes. Then wait by the door again. You know, just in case. Shouldn't be a problem though, there's only the one guard left in there, and this one here was the bigger of the two. Besides, I've got a sword now."

He opened the door and was about to go inside when he turned to me and said, "Oh, and don't hit me with the bat when I come back out, eh?"

"Yes, of course," I said, nodding solemnly. "But, suppose I don't recognize you in the dark?"

Derek gave me a stern glare before reentering the building, then the king and I dragged the unconscious guard behind the hedge and returned to our positions beside the door.

I was tempted to begin our struggle over the slippers again, but the king now waited outside of my reach, watching me warily. I'd have to bide my time and jump him when he least expected it. He couldn't evade me forever. Eventually, his vigilance would wane and I would wrest my slippers from him! Then wash them thoroughly at the next available opportunity, provided we weren't blown up before then.