𝙶𝚒𝚛𝚕 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔 💋

Toxic Friends 101

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When somebody says 'toxic', I usually start humming the Britney Spears song. To my defense, I am a musician and music almost always dominates my thoughts, which is both a curse and a blessing. Still, I hadn't realized how much dept there is to that single word until I saw some of the 'toxic relationship checks' on Tiktok (which Youtube helpfully provided) and I was completely bewildered with them. Personally, I've had my fair share of toxic friends and it's only after I'd lost them did I finally understand the impact they'd had on me. In this post, I'll be sharing my personal experience so that it may inspire you all and hopefully teach a valuable lesson.

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1. It's dangerous, I'm falling:

If you recognized those first words, than you knew that they were the first lyrics to 'Toxic'. In a way, one can actually relate to them; in my case, it all started with the day I moved to a new town with a new house and started to attend a new school. My younger self was obsessed with seeking the approval of others to fill the black void in her heart (plus, moving did not help). Dealing with low self-esteem, I threw myself at the first person who was nice to me; a sporty brunette in my class. She happened to have friends of her own and was also new to the school, so we bonded quickly. Yet, a month in this endeavor, I already started to see her true colors.

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2. Too high, Can't come down:

The first sign was when she made fun of one of the girls in our modest friend group behind her back. It must've been something in the lines of 'her shorts are the ugliest things I've ever seen' in a joking manner, still I knew part of her meant it. My other friends and I wanted so desperately to be accepted, so we joined in and I felt so bad afterwards. Little did I know, it was just the beginning.

To quote the Broadway musical Hamilton: "I wish I could say that was the last time; I said that last time, it became a pastime". Indeed, the more time went, the more that sweet and sporty brunnette I'd met on the first day of school became hypocritical and egotistical, going so far as to implement herself as the leader of our now five-people friend group (all girls). While I had other friends, they weren't capable of partially numbing the pain I felt in my soul quite as well as the others. Months past, and my stature only deteriorated the more time went.

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3. With the Taste of a Poison paradise:

We'd bullied someone. Her excuse to me was that our whole grade was doing it anyways, but it still felt wrong. The victim in question was also a girl, one with mental disabilities. In my family, I had two autistic cousins with whom I grew up with, so I told myself that I couldn't be mean to her since I sort of understood her situation. However, that didn't stop other people, boys and girls alike, to ridicule her every day; yet I didn't stop them. I still feel ashamed to this day.

But when it happened to me, I suddenly understood everything. My own 'friends' were mocking me, 'keeping me in my place', telling ridiculous stories of me to ther people and I didn't help. Even before the bullying I lied like a rug because I wanted other people to like me. Lies about having a boyfriend, two pets, an aunt who works to create American Girl dolls and about doing competitive dance. In a way, I got what I deserved.

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4. Don't you Know that you're Toxic?:

I finally broke off my toxic "friends" when I entered secondary school; but at what cost? In attempt to be cool, I had almost sunk into a depression at only 9-10 years old. I would draw sketches of me getting expulsed from society or hung publicly. (Granted, my knowledge of suicide was practically non-existent, so I never really wished to kill myself, only to disappear). I took everything personally and used to consider myself as one of the ugliest beings to have graced the Earth. I wanted so badly to have White skin with straight hair, pale eyes and fashion-forward clothes. I wanted everyone to like me; popularity was my sole goal.

I've grown a lot from my primary school experience; I learned how to let go of grudges, how to forgive, how to develop healthy friendships and how to love yourself. My nuclear family, though they did not know everything, were able to help me enough to get me out of my toxic mindset. There is also my spiritual relationship with God that grounded me and opened my eyes to so much more than my own self. I still sometimes fear that I'll revert back to my old ways, but now, I have the confidence to move on forward.

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What I really want you all to get out from this is that you're not being a bad person if you decide to separate from friends that harm you; in truth, you're being strong and that's nothing to be ashamed of. You can check out my post on which friends to avoid in the School Success book. Please be careful with what friendships you get yourself into and most of all, be safe.

- MaeShaanaP