Calling Cardinal

The Place Between

"Where are you planning to go?" Jim asks.

I pack a small bag of what belongings my brother kept, including the cardinal pin from my mother. "I don't know. I'm going to find Freeze. I need to make sure he got out okay."

"And after that?"

"I'm owed some life," I say. "I think it's time I live it."

That's easier than telling him about the mess of emotions and memories swimming around in my head.

"Are you sure you want me to keep it a secret? He's going to find out from someone, Sera."

"I will cross that bridge when I get to it, Jim. I just need some time to myself."

Like so many times before, I can tell it's killing him to watch me set off in the Gotham night. This time is worse, more vulnerable than all the previous. The threat of death is constantly looming over the city. Strange and his goons could be after me at any time. Jim doesn't understand how unfortunate that would be for them.

I follow the trail of icy doom to Snowy's Ice Cream Factory on the edge of Gotham's industrial district. So subtle. I'm sure no one's going to be looking for him there. After shattering the thick layers of ice closing up the entrance, I creep through the halls of the abandoned factory.

"Fries? It's me. It's—" He won't know me by Sera. "Cardinal."

For some reason, it feels better on my tongue than my actual name.

"Cardinal?" He peeks out from behind a corner, gun aimed. "What are you doing here?"

"I found my brother," I say while raising my hands in innocence, "and Penguin. I came to find you. I wanted to see if you made it out okay."

Victor relaxes. He motions for me to follow him into the main warehouse, where he's already set up a laboratory and something akin to living quarters. "Why aren't you with them?"

Isn't that the question of the hour? I wish I could answer it, myself.

"While I remember most things, I'm not who I was before I was killed. I have this power now, I— I'm even more lost than I was when I woke up two weeks ago."

"Won't your brother help you? Besides, you just remembered the last twenty-or-so years of your life tonight. Give it time, Cardinal. You'll return to who you were."

"But I don't know if I want that. I constantly struggled with inadequacy and the need to please people." My brother and Oswald, especially.

He obviously does not appreciate my emotional vomit, for he returns to his work on altering the temperature settings to maintain sub-zero levels. "Now that you know it, change it. You have a whole new life to live. I'd say make it your best one. Do what you want to do. Screw anyone who says otherwise."

How can I make it my best one when I don't even know what I want?

"Can I stay here with you?"

"No."

"Come on! You're on the edge of the city. You're alone! I can supply you with all the resources you need for your science experiments. You're still a fugitive. If you try to go out, you'll be a beacon of police attention."

"You're suggesting that I let you live here in return for being my errand girl. Are you nuts?"

"Quite possibly. Besides, I have the two most powerful men in Gotham wrapped around my finger?"

He doesn't want to ask, but the curious look on his face tells otherwise.

"I was Oswald Cobblepot's significant other, and Jim Gordon's sister."

"You have to leave."

"What?"

"Jim Gordon is the one who denied my wife the proper treatment at a hospital. You have to leave now."

That doesn't sound like him. Surely, I'd remember if he did that! Maybe this happened after my death.

"I'm not my brother," I quickly say. "I'm not at all like my brother. I was a criminal, too. I— I would've never let him do such a thing."

"Does he know you're here?"

"No. I promise. Please let me stay with you, Fries. I can't go back to Jim."

Victor can't stand the idea. He hates to let the sister of the one who indirectly murdered his wife stay in close quarters. I think he also understands the position I'm in.

Perhaps he even sees a little bit of Nora in me, too.

"Fine, but you have to do everything I tell you to."

"Deal."

"And if I run into your brother again, I'm going to kill him."

He can try.

"Fine. To be honest, this dynamic isn't really new to me."

I lay low for six months. During that time, I reconnect with Harvey Bullock. Jim, Harvey, and I go out to weekly lunches. They fill in the gaps of memory that I'm not too afraid to ask about. Both of them are different, of course. So many months apart can really change a person. It's nice to be the three of us again, just as it all started.

In between those times, I stay with Victor. We develop a new bond; one that's not romantic, sibling-like, or some mix of unrequited feelings. We're simply platonic. He encourages me to embrace who I am. This means embracing the good side and the bad. At this point, I worry there might be more bad than good.

I think about reuniting with Oswald every day. I long to be with him again. Yet, every time I have this thought, I switch on the TV to be reminded that he's hunting down the monsters like me. He encourages the Gotham public to shoot any monster on sight. How can I return to him when I am the very thing he hates? His campaign is centered around ridding the city of the victims like myself.

I can't go back until he cools it with the monster talk. Would he even be able to see me as who I was? Or will he just see the monster I've become?

I also meet up with Butch. He sneaks away from Oswald's mayoral campaign to visit me when he can. We usually meet up at the docks of Gotham Bay.

"If you're going to return at any time, now would be a good time to do it."

"Why?" I ask.

Butch fiddles with his hands. "Oswald is catching feelings for Edward."

My heart stops. I shouldn't have waited. I thought after being apart for a while would rid my chest of the inevitable feelings I still carry. This news reassures that my theory was obviously, horribly false.

"What?"

"I saw it all before Oswald kicked me out. It's all him and Ed now. Everything is about Ed. Ed this, Ed that!"

If I didn't know better, I'd say Butch was jealous. If I didn't know better, I'd say I was too.

What right do I have to feel this way? I've been letting him live without me, grieving me, mourning me while I've been alive and well all this time. It's really my own fault that he's had a chance to get over me.

"Well, now I can never go back. Thanks, Butch."

The breath in my lungs feels heavy. I try to exhale but the only thing that leaves my throat is a guttural groan. I grab at the bullet scar on my chest. I would rather take that than have to exist in a world where he doesn't love me.

"I didn't want you to walk in blind. Are you going to be okay?"

"Probably not," I gasp. "Please go. I want to be alone."

For once, he leaves without a fight.

I shakily stand to my feet once I know he's a safe distance away. I turn my body towards the bay. The large body of water spans for miles and miles, empty and calm. And I scream as loud and as long as I want.

The wooden dock shatters underneath my feet causing me to fall into the icy bay.

A hand grabs onto my arm. I'm pulled up to land.

"Hey! What are you—"

"Listen to the watch, Miss Gordon."