Into the Oven

How?

How do people do it? How do they manage to eat three full meals a day? Even one full meal is a miracle to me.

Do they not struggle to even sit down for a meal? Do they find it easy to pick up the fork and take a bite?

Perhaps they don't have voices in their head saying they shouldn't be eating. Yes. That must be it. I wonder what that's like.

"Do you not like dinner?" A voice jolted me out of my thoughts.

"No, it's fine." I hurriedly shoved a forkful of steak in my mouth. I chewed the bland meat and chased it down with a gulp of water.

Feeling eyes on me I quickly took a bite of my baked potato. I tried to hold back a grimace as the voices and the dry, tasteless potato made me want to throw up.

I picked around at my food to make it look like I ate some of everything. I glanced around to see if everyone else was done eating as I pushed my food around with my fork.

People rose from the table and put their dishes in the dishwasher. When I deemed it safe enough, I hastily scraped the food into the sink and put my dishware away.

"Did you have enough to eat?" The same voice made me jump in surprise.

"Y-Yeah. I'm just gonna go finish my homework now," I stammered.

I dodged the stares and questions by sprinting up the stairs. I ducked into the bathroom and stepped on the scale.

I lost even more weight. People are starting to notice. I sighed, stepped off the scale, and stared at my reflection in the mirror.

I was thin, too thin. I lifted my shirt to see if my ribs were showing more than usual. I lowered my shirt and turned away from the mirror. My hands shook as I looked down at myself.

Ugly. Worthless. Waste of life. Why bother living? No one's ever going to be able to love you.

I shook my head, hoping to shake the voices away, but they only came back stronger. It became too overwhelming and I slid down the bathroom wall to collapse in a ball on the floor.

~ Crumb