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The Limitations of Online Relationships

If you haven't already read Rosa's recent article (link attached to this paragraph), you should probably go do that. Also, you should read the article I previously posted called "The Most Important Tag Challenge You'll Ever See".

I haven't read hers at the time of writing this, but I'm aware that she's going to be including a lot of evidence and context for the situation that brought this all on. I can talk more about my involvement and answer questions and so on (although I won't be responding on Discord since I'm taking a long break from there, so either comment here or PM me), but this article is going to focus on a different topic. You'll understand why it's relevant soon enough.

I'm going to start by telling a story. It's a true story about a woman named Belle Gibson. Belle had a blog in which she wrote about her fight against brain cancer. She started receiving traditional treatments like chemotherapy but eventually turned to alternative treatments that included dietary changes. Miraculously, her cancer went into remission. She went on to create an app and to publish a book filled with recipes and tips for healthy living, promising a third of her proceeds to charity. Her followers were inspired, and cancer patients who heard her story were given fresh hope, many of them probably going on to pay for her app and/or book out of a belief that it might help them to survive as well.

The problem? Belle never had brain cancer. She never had any kind of cancer at all. She was making the whole thing up.

After Elle magazine posted an article about her, they received an anonymous email from a person who claimed to have grown up with Belle Gibson and who knew her to be a compulsive liar. This anonymous person said that Belle was giving false hope to real cancer victims by claiming that cancer can be cured through eating organic foods and doing it all just for the money. But Elle didn't find any evidence of this online, so they decided the email was the thing that was fake.

It wasn't, but the truth is that no one wants to accuse someone of lying about a cancer diagnosis. Just imagine if you were wrong.

But, in the meantime, none of that money went to charity, and countless real cancer victims were lied to and taken advantage of.

This is just one example that illustrates a point: on the internet, it can be very difficult or even impossible to tell if a person is really being truthful. As a reader of Belle's blog, all you see are the words and pictures she is choosing to share with her audience. You can be her biggest fan, reading every post and leaving dozens of supporting comments, but you'll never once see her in person. You can't drive her to her doctor's appointment or cook meals for her when she's too worn out from the treatments to do so herself or do any of the things that a supportive real life friend would do. And so you also wouldn't see that see doesn't actually need any of that help at all.

The internet, by its very nature, makes it incredibly easy for manipulative people to practice their manipulation. Whether their goal is to make money, get attention, trick people into online romantic or sexual relationships, or just prevent people from finding them out and denouncing them after they get in too deep, the internet makes it easy for them to tell whatever story they want in order to get and keep people's sympathy and good will.

Sometimes there are hints that something isn't right, like Belle's cancer recovery that seemed too good to be true. Sometimes there are people like the anonymous emailer who get ignored because the liar is just so good at manipulating what other people believe. 

Sometimes the manipulator does this by being charismatic and charming. Sometimes it's by using tricks like gaslighting to make people doubt themselves. Sometimes it's by rationalizing or minimizing, making excuses or using arguments to convince people that something zie did wasn't actually so bad, zie was only joking, zie didn't really mean to hurt anyone, etc. Sometimes zie doesn't give straight answers when zie doesn't like the questions. Or zie paints zirself as the victim of the situation in order to make you feel so sorry for zir that you won't do anything that might make zir feel even a little worse. Zie might also do this by bringing up an unrelated situation from zir life in which zie is the victim. Or even invent a crisis. And maybe zie will even go so far as to tell you that it happened because zie was so upset about something that you did or didn't do and tell you that zir suffering is going to get even worse unless you do exactly what zie wants. Maybe zie suggests that zie will even commit suicide if the desired thing does not happen, which is an exceptionally strong tactic that, like cancer, no one ever wants to question even for a second.

There are many, many tactics of manipulation, and many of them are exceptionally easy to do from behind a computer screen.

Of course, the problem is that, just like the people who feared calling Belle out for faking cancer, no one wants to outright accuse someone of lying without having any solid proof. You don't want to look like a total jerk. And you don't want to hurt someone who actually is suffering terribly just because the circumstances are a little unusual or you thought something was suspicious only because you're not an expert like a doctor or a psychologist.

It's only natural to want to do what Belle's followers did for her. Leaving encouraging comments on her blog posts, buying her app and her book, empathizing with her when she claimed to relapse and celebrating with her when she claimed to be recovering. 

But the important thing to do is to remember that there are limitations to how much you can help a person who you only know online. 

Belle's followers probably knew this to some extent because they saw themselves as fans of her work who were watching from a distance, but she easily could have formed some of the kinds of close online relationships we see here in our community on Wattpad. The article about Belle I linked above also mentions a man who went by the name of "JS" whose wife had tragically died and whose child had tragically been diagnosed with cancer. JS was actually a woman who ended up inventing over 70 fake personalities to support the web of lies. And JS formed close online relationships with people like a fourteen year old girl who the article calls Sarah and who chatted with JS for hours at a time and a woman the article calls Anna who started an online romance with "him" that included exchanging dirty pictures and having cybersex.

Undoubtedly some of these people thought that they were exceptionally close to a person who turned out to be completely fake. It's quite possible that some people like this genuinely believed they were helping JS to recover from the tragedy of his wife's death or to keep going as a single parent of 11 children including a young cancer patient.

But even then, there's only so much an online friend can do for a person who's suffering. Just as liars can hide behind a computer screen, people who have the best of intentions are trapped behind theirs. Not only can they not see the lies but they also can't provide the help that a real life friend or family member or doctor or psychologist can. They can't call for an ambulance or do anything else to save an online friend when zie seems to be in danger. And that can also tear the helpers apart inside.

So, while it's good to be kind and empathetic, it's also good to keep a certain amount of distance. You don't want to do anything that might hurt a person who's genuinely suffering, but it wouldn't hurt to have a little private skepticism if something smells fishy. And it's nice to give what little help you can, but it's even better to encourage a person who's suffering to get help from those real life people who can provide it better than you can.

You don't want to enable a person who's doing something wrong, and you also don't want to prevent a person from getting the best help by supporting zir belief that online relationships are good enough to meet zir needs. Online relationships are nice, and I treasure the ones I have personally, but they simply aren't enough for a person who is truly suffering. 

Whether zie's telling the truth or not, don't let an online friend rope you into being the most important part of zir support network. Don't fall for the idea that you can be a replacement for a doctor or a psychologist if zie is afraid of or otherwise refusing to get the help that you can see zie needs. Don't be afraid to remove yourself from the situation if it ever starts to get bad for you or if you see reason to be very suspicious or concerned for your own safety. And never blame yourself for anything bad that may or may not happen after you pull away. If you find yourself doing that or feeling really bad about any part of the situation, don't be afraid to get help for yourself either.

Because, in the end, a suffering person needs real life support. A liar needs no support. And you need whatever you need to keep yourself safe and happy. Be careful out there.