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December, Sunday

Vanessa

Pregnant II

I sit in front of the toilet, knees up to to my chest with the small pregnancy test in my hand. I stare at it in shock. It says that I'm pregnant! Like pregnant pregnant!

I slowly scramble up to my feet my feet and go back over the sink where I have four other pregnancy test laying. They all read positive. I slap a hand over my mouth when the first sob comes out.

I'm pregnant.

The other hand goes to my stomach and immediately  a quick memory of the day that I miscarried flash in my head. I start crying right then. I'd never seen that much blood until that day. The day where I lost a piece of me.

I went from not being able to conceive after six years of marriage, even when doctors said that I was perfectly healthy, to miraculously getting pregnant, to miscarrying terribly after ten weeks, and now back to being pregnant again.

I know that I'm supposed to be happy. I know that I should be rejoicing with my husband right now. I know that I should be jumping for joy. I should be celebrating. I should be floating on cloud nine right now. But instead, I'm scared. I'm terrifyingly frightened.

"God" I sob out. "P-please" I start to say but my words are cut off short when my body starts to shake vigorously from my cries. "H-have m-mercy on me. Forgive me for whatever that I did,God! Whatever barriers that are h-holding me back from meeting my child, God please break through them right now. I want to have this baby" I break down.

So many emotions run through my body in this moment. I don't know where they are suddenly coming from. But my body starts to convulse as if God is right here and is literally touching me. As if God is holding me, hugging me, and rocking me to tell me that it's okay.

Louder cries start to leave my body. I continued to pray harder. I begged and begged and begged God more than I ever have before to allow me to carry full terms and finally meet my child. The child that I'm so desperate for. The child that I've longed for, for almost half of my life. The child that I've always wanted to give my husband.

I stay in the bathroom just praying and crying to God. It lasts for almost an hour. But surprisingly enough, after that, I feel so much lighter. As if the huge weight of fear has been lifted off my shoulders. As if God took me into the clouds and told me that I will meet this child. As if God came and flowed through me and removed all my worries.

When I get off the floor with the pregnancy test still in my hand, I slowly waltz into my room. And quickly I visualize how a bassinet will look on the side of our huge bed. I visualize how happy I will be to even be waking up at four in the morning everyday. I visualize how happy I will be when I'm sitting on my bed with my baby attached to my breast. I visualize how happy I will be when I hear his or her little cries. I visualize how in love I will be.

My hand travels back down to my very flat stomach. I'm really pregnant! There's a huge possibility that all my visions will come true. I'm going to be a mom!

Jerome's phone suddenly rings loudly throughout the room and I nearly leap out of my skin. This is definitely why we need a baby in this house. Our house is too quiet!

"Gosh!" I place a hand over my rapid beating heart and walk towards the bedside table where Jerome's IPhone is both vibrating and ringing.

JEANNA would like to FaceTime

His screen reads and I frown. I pick up the ringing phone and just hold it in my hands confusedly. Why is Jeanna trying to FaceTime my husband at nine pm?