Loving is well... difficult. Tangible. Sometimes toxic. Damaging.
Me, just being me tends to think about it often. The amount of commitment. Time. Effort. Responsibility. I can have a crush sure. But an actual person not from my family?
A person who requires love and affection? A person who chooses to see both the good and bad in a so called relationship? I don't think I could ever hold up to that.
I'm writing this because shower thoughts. That's what I used to write my fanfics off of. But now all I write them off of is my own self-deprecating thoughts.
And tonight I thought of loving. Of accepting reality and moving along. Thinking of possibilities that I know will never happen.
That's why I crush on some people. So that way I can remind myself to crush down my feelings to a nonexistent point. To remember that even if I love them in a sisterly way it never goes farther than that.
I requires me to doubt myself. Beat down my feelings. To the point where I daydream and fantasize about situations that'll never come true.
Because love is both a curse and a blessing. And with my mindset I hope that I never have to experience it.
Heck. This probably belongs in my Cheesecat Log. But nobody reads what I make. I check. Don't worry. I'm fully aware of the same people looking at my stuff.
Just like when I crush on people. I have to repress feelings sometimes. To not feel like a letdown... a disappointment. Yeah. It feels that way. It's kinda the main reason I gave up on existing here. The only reason I got here is because of well. A person who sounded too nice to be true. Creating genuine fanfics. Creating stuff that I used to strive for.
But I guess that was a joke. I'm unoriginal. And now? Not even motivated to keep doing what I once thought was fun.
I keep saying I'll delete this but procrastination is the only thing holding me back.
So maybe I'll exist? Or maybe I won't. Sorry to bother anyone who sees this. I just needed to get the thought out of my head again.
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Final Edit: 8/14/19
Wc: 378
YOU ARE READING
One shots?
RandomRanging from YouTubers to online people and anyone else that catches my interest. This'll be filled to the brim with shit that'll make you wonder if I need mental help. Lucky for you I added a NSFW tag at the top if you don't have the balls.
