infuriating (colby brock fanfiction)

chapter twenty-four

"i'm gonna miss you so much."

the moment is bringing tears to my eyes. i didn't expect my mother and sister to come see me, so i am far from prepared to say goodbye again.

"call me, please. i'll tell you about everything. way more in detail," i tell my sister. last night i was an emotional wreck, and when it was just me, tara, and amara, i let it all out. i told the girls everything i had enough pride to say. i neglected to mention that he had amelia over just a few days ago, and that i still have no idea why. i could've gone on for hours about the way he makes me feel. amara told me about her girlfriend and about how she's terrified to tell our mother about it. i understand her fear. my mother has never discouraged me when it comes to dating but i can only imagine my fear amplified because she is with someone of the same sex.

"i will!" she assures me and smiles brightly. i don't want to see her go, not after we bonded last night but i have no choice. i hate not being around to help raise her, but as my mother always says, i'm doing it for myself.

when the two are gone, i find myself stunned on my couch. i am less than happy but more than sad. i feel like my life was lit up and dimmed back down all in one day. last night i felt on top of the world, my family here and colby asking me to be his girlfriend.

"shit," i mutter, remembering i haven't called him like i said i would. tara looks at me with a surprised look on her face. "colby's potty mouth has rubbed off on you, hasn't it?" she jokes and i laugh with her before pulling my phone out and texting the blue eyed boy.

me: hey, family just left. plans tonight?

i haven't talked to tara yet, but i know that the weekly pizza night is tomorrow and i am not enthused about it. if there's anything the past month or so has taught me about colby, it's that all is okay until pizza night rolls around. there's always some big plot twist in our weird on and off again affair, and now that we actually confirmed it, i'm terrified of the amount of pain he could inflict on me now. he has so much more power this way.

colby: pick you up at 7. dress casually

i smile at the traditional gentleman-like text. he is not a gentleman, though. i know that for a fact. i imagine that's how he appears to people like amara, who only sees what he wants her to see.

"wanna go shopping today? i've got a date with colby at 7, he said to dress casually but i don't know what that should consist of."

"of course, be ready in like.. 20?" tara responds and i shoot her a nod before finding myself in my room, blushing in my mirror about the same blue haired boy who has had me smitten for weeks now. it feels so much nicer now that i don't have to constantly wonder about how he feels. i know that he wants me, and i want him.

it feels as if everything i hoped for has come true. i cant seem to shake the feeling of impending doom that comes along with it, though. i am ecstatic that i'm getting what i wanted from him, but i'm terrified that i am wrong. maybe he isn't as true as he seems right now. maybe he is planning and plotting against me. maybe he has a whole scheme. i don't know, but i don't want to know. i'm so scared of losing the feeling i have now. the heart-fluttering. the smiles to myself when nobody's looking. the endless thoughts i have about him. i don't want to lose it.

i think maybe i am falling in love. i won't admit that outside of these pages, though. i will not face it. i cant stand the idea of getting my heart broken. i have heard all of these horror stories about this, i am so unsure of it. i don't know if i'm making the right decision by trusting him but i want to believe that i am.

i am afraid of my own emotions. they are so powerful now that i know i cannot stop them, and i am terrified of the result of this. i am terrified of losing him, and i am terrified of losing myself within him.