infuriating (colby brock fanfiction)

chapter thirty-two

i always thought that change was something to be avoided. i thought that maybe if i could manage to go my entire life without changing, that it'd be easier. i thought by some miracle that i could avoid losing my past by holding onto it through avoiding the change i've come to love now.

you see, a few months ago, if you told me i'd be writing this, i think i might have laughed in your face. i would've taken your words seriously though, and i would've gotten scared. so in turn i would've done everything to avoid what has come of me. i would've bent and broke just to make sure this never happened.

which is why i'm glad it was so sudden, and i was so unprepared. i thought it was a hassle to have to deal with this. i thought that i was being punished by having an intrusive and harsh boy walk into my life without warning. but i realize now that it was no mistake, nor a punishment.

he is everything i've needed all this time, but i never knew that.

i stood up to tara, but it was more than that. it wasn't some drunk words at a girl who was hurting my feelings. it was me confronting the fact that because of colby, i realize now that i am walked all over. it was me confronting the fact that i no longer want to be treated like a wounded child because of my anxiety. i don't want tara to beg me for forgiveness, and i don't want her to talk to me like she did a horrible unspoken thing by hurting me.

i know that it is a part of life. you hurt people, and you get hurt by people. i have always known that, and i don't know what convinced me i could stray away from the simple fact that it's how the world works. humans hurt. that's how it always has been, so i don't know why i figured i was special enough to get away with never having that.

when i first met colby, i was someone else. i was a girl who was sheltered her entire life. i was someone who never wanted to experience the things that keep the world going around. looking back at her, i wonder what she expected. did she think she'd never see colby after the first night? i know she always wanted to feel his skin against hers, but why did she try so hard to mask that? why did she go so far to pretend she didn't care for him?

i am not her. i may have tried extremely hard to pretend i was, but i am not. there is a child beneath my skin, trying desperately to live and learn. there is a child underneath all of the anxiety, trying to overcome it and grow up.

i refuse to remain a child. i refuse to let people walk on top of me, and treat me like i am twelve. i can order for myself when i go out to eat, and i can maintain a relationship with an intrusive and harsh boy. that's what i will do now. i will focus my energy on growing up instead of holding onto my worst fears. i will spend my time with the people that care for me, not because they feel obligated, but because i am someone they enjoy being around. i know it might be difficult to try and get through this, seeing as i am a little late to the party, but i will not give up. i will solve my own problems like an adult instead of sitting back and waiting for tara to do it for me. she doesn't have to be my body guard. nobody does. before tara, it was my mother. i've been so covered my entire life, and i don't want to live that way anymore. colby would make me order my own food, and he'd most certainly never tell me what to do.

that's what i love about colby. he will never do what i want him to do. when my heart speeds up and my face turns red, he will still expect me to function like a normal adult. he won't shelter me from reality, and he will tell it to me, however it is. and i need that. i think he has been brought into my life to teach me exactly that. i need to grow up, and he is helping me do so. i will no longer hide in tara's shadows, no matter what happens. if we end up making amends, and everything goes back to normal, i will do everything in my power to continue growing in the only way i know how. by living. by doing things everyone around me is doing too. how can i learn if i never try things? how can i expect to grow if i never see sunlight?

i am not a child anymore.

i guess it isn't all because of him. the events that have led me here tend to blur. but he was definitely the beginning of my epiphany. he showed me what life taking risks feels like. being with him is a risk, and i will never forget how badly we started off, but i will always remember how good it felt with him by my side, every step of the way. i guess i got tired of loving someone that i couldn't hold because tara told me he was bad news. he is bad news, and so am i. together, we are bad. i guess i got tired of holding back how i felt for the sake of my pride and making her happy. i had to sacrifice my contention with life for him, but i've never been happier about it, and that's a promise i can make.

he isn't easy, he's difficult and we are bound to hurt each other, but imagining a life where i am not with him is harder than imaging a world where i let him hurt me.