Loving her

Chapter 3.

Being back at our dorm seems depressing and I want to go out again, only because I don't feel like this is home. The small window is cracked open, reminding me that I need to breathe and relax for once. Ava combs her hair as she sits on her bed staring at something outside of the window.

"There's a party tonight want to join me?" she says, perking her lips at me.

"No thanks." She frowns but I give her a big smile.

 She knows better than to ask me to join her at some party. I have been to a party before and I used to love them, that was until a drunk guy groped my butt. it's something I'll never let myself go through again. 

Ava stands up, gathering all of the cheap makeup she owns; some it being broken red lipstick.

"it's only six pm, doesn't the party start at like midnight or something?" I ask her, surprising myself with the knowledge, maybe I am keeping up to date after all.

"One am." I laugh at myself for thinking I understood anything. 

Why is she getting ready so early? All I need to do to get ready for parties is to slip into a loose dress, put some sneakers on, and comb a wand of mascara through my lashes. But that's the ‚wrong' way to get ready at least according to Ava. 

Knowing I'll be staying here all alone and by myself doesn't seem like the best thing in the world, especially not after the intense thoughts I've been having today. I debate a few ‚maybe's' in my head of whether or not I should start having fun but I end up waving Ava and her small purse off.

As soon as the door shuts I regret not going.

„Ugh!" I yell to myself. 

Being here all alone in the darkness doesn't feel right. I feel so lost and now that I'm in such foreign territory I can't help but want to cry.

 Staying at my mom's house forever didn't seem like such a bad decision until Harvard got back to me, letting me know that I got in. My mom of course forced me to get into the dorms and Ava being my best friend, promised me she'd stay by my side.

„I'm going to be okay." I close my eyes and let out a deep breath.

„I'm going to be okay." I repeat. My fat fingers tug at the loose shirt I'm wearing and I finally stand up. My feet feel heavy yet they feel like me. Being thinner has never felt like me, it's always felt almost weird in a way.

My stomach grumbles and I start hating myself. Of course, I'm hungry . . . again, it's been three hours. I open the door slightly, peeking through to see if someone is walking the halls which to my surprise is completely empty. After a few heavy breaths, I finally manage to step outside all by myself. I notice a vending machine with both sandwiches and sodas. 

I search for some cash in my pockets and manage to find a few dollars to buy myself something along with the movie I want to distract myself with later. My eyes scan the whole machine. Everything looks so delicious, I'm glad I didn't go to that party. I'd rather stay at home and have a night in with food and a movie.

"Late night snacks?" A raspy voice asks. I turn around to see a blond-haired boy with blue-gray eyes. "Y . . . yeah, I guess." I stammer as my fingers fiddle awkwardly with the dollar in my hand.

"Me too, this vending machine is the best thing here, I love snacking around." He doesn't look like it, his skinny jeans fit him perfectly. I would never even dream of fitting into regular jeans. 

"Not much of a talker?" he asks, disrupting my thoughts.

"Not really." I smile. I can't find any words to come out of my mind or form a real sentence. He puts in a coin and presses the number five for a tuna sandwich before handing it to me.

"you have to try this." He says and I want to melt onto the floor.

„Thank you." I muster with an almost stammer.

„No problem. Well, I guess I'll see you around then." He says with a warm smile as he leaves.

Now I'm really glad I didn't go to that party.