Loving her

Chapter 28

The sun shines through the window, I didn't even realize I fell asleep after the nightmare I had last night, I never thought I'd fall asleep after that. 

I quickly glance at the clock and see that I've missed all of my classes since it's almost four pm and I should have been done by three. I shake my head, I haven't slept this long since I got diagnosed with depression last year but after that, I did everything to get rid of as much sadness as I could.

I take a deep breath, I haven't been all alone in forever, it was either being under the same roof as my mother or now being in the same dorm as Ava, but now that I know she won't be coming back for god knows how long, I'm forced to live through whatever is handed to me. Being all by myself never seemed so scary before, in fact, it used to be a daydream back in high school, I wished for a life where I'd be left alone from my mother's comments about my body as well as Ava's partying, and now it's all come true except now; it's something I don't want.

I stand up and instantly feel the smell of sweat hit me, the nightmare had a bigger impact on my whole being than I realized. 

I felt hot during the night but not this how, I feel like my body has been drowsed in a foul-smelling liquid and I feel more disgusting than I do usually. I need to take a shower, my only fear is that Ava will be there, right outside the door, waiting to talk to me. I want to see her but something about this whole thing . . . her doesn't go well with my gut feeling. 

I take a deep breath and open the door, hoping my nightmare won't come true. To my relief, Ava isn't there, she is staying with a friend and this really is real whether I want it to be or not. I rush to the showers and step inside the scolding water. The hot water seems to wash away all of my problems, leaving my skin pink from the heat.

 I can't help but wonder if that dream might have something to do with the weird feelings I've been having about my own mystery night when I was drunk. I rub every inch of my body with the scolding water, trying to clean everything and anything away even that weird nightmare of Liam's face out of my mind. 

The soap washes away and the foam sits at the drain as I wash everything off of me.

The dorm is empty and for the first time, it actually feels good. I'm glad I'm alone at least for now, and I hope it stays that way for a little while longer.

 I really do need time for myself and Ava isn't what will help me relax. Her partying has messed up my whole schedule and having to deal with her hungover alter ego makes it almost impossible to take this school seriously and now that finals will be approaching I need to try my absolute hardest to pass.

Despite having to catch up a lot in school I somehow can't find the will to care. I decide to grab some food right before I get back to the dorm, the line at the cafeteria is long but it's worth it for pink colored doughnuts. 

"Hey." A voice says and I flinch. I turn around to find Liam standing right next to me.

 "Hi," I say confused as my fat fingers grip onto my phone. 

"Have you seen Ava?" he asks sweetly.

"no." I roll my eyes and head back towards my dorm why was he asking about Ava anyway. My heart sinks just a little at the thought of the only boy who has ever truly liked me now potentially liking Ava. 

Everyone always falls for her instead of me and why wouldn't they?

 I can barely fit into my jeans and the little button hurts my stomach to the point of wanting to throw up sometimes, that isn't attractive to anyone out there and it never will be.

I wish I could stay here forever just me and food, locked in this room, with a bed, and everything I need, but that's not the real world, the real world is a scary and disgusting place, one that I need to conquer all by myself. 

I feel like a child who has now finally learned the lessons of life and is forced out of the nest too early. As I look around the room I can't turn a blind eye to the mess that has been created. Ava's clothes are scattered almost everywhere from packing and my leftover containers are in places they should be seen in. 

I grab a small black bag before throwing away everything that is considered a mess excluding Ava's clothes that she never wears. 

After folding them neatly I finally grab a broom and sweet the place clean. Everything looks fresh and new, just like I should look. I'm starting a new chapter in my life and it's worth preparing for. I grab a few books that I haven't read. 

My mom buying me books on weight loss never seemed to interest me or amaze me for that matter but now that I'll become a different person I want to at least give them a try. I burry myself into the only soft blanket we brought with us before opening up one of the books, giggling a little at the first chapter being on healthy snacks.