Loving her

Chapter 23

Its been a week and ava still hasn't started acting like herself which scares me just a little. 

Everything has been weird and focusing on all of this only makes me feel worse but I can't get her out of my head, I want to think about it and I want to figure out what is going on even if it kills everything I have, I need to know. I guess everything I stick to somehow gets messed up, just like all of my planners, all of my ‚new me's' and all of my diet plans that haven't gotten to see the light of day.

Yet again shes disappeared out if our dorm room, but I know full well where she is; The famous coffee shop she goes to when she's hungover, but as I open the door to the shop, she's not there. After a couple of hours searching for her I decided to finally give up. 

It is clearly impossible to find her and I don't have the energy nor body to chase her around town, I'll end up fainted somewhere on the sidewalk and nobody will help me cause they wouldn't know-how, a beached whale is almost unhelpable. I shake my head to get the ugly thoughts out.

„UGH!" I yell why am I like this?

 I never used to be like this at least not with the ugly thoughts. 

My mind didn't start being like this until high school and I don't know why but everyone around me always assumes that it might have been because of all the bullying I experienced and just maybe those voices finally got into my head and now they have their own space there which would explain why I feel like there is someone or something behind the back of my head. 

Forcing me to do all of this and think all of this. I hear the door open slowly and my eyes go wide at the sight of Ava.

„Where were you? I've been looking all over for you?" I ask, frantic for an answer. My own mind is now keeping me on my toes and I don't need Ava to do the same.

„Out." Is all she says and my heart sinks a little.

 She used to be so honest with me but now it's like she doesn't care if she hurts me or not. Ava sits on her dorm room bed to my surprise, she crosses her legs and stretches out her arms before resting them on her knee.

 Her face looks pale and her eyes are deep with tiredness despite getting enough sleep for the past few days.

 I sit down on the edge of my bed as I examine everything about her. If she won't tell me what's wrong maybe I'll be able to somehow spot it on her, after all, Ava wears her emotions on her sleeve.

"Ava we need to talk this had gotten way out of ha—" she cuts me off and for a second I feel hopeful that she'll say something important"I don't want to talk." She says, her voice low and frustrated. 

I feel like I don't know her anymore, not because she cut me off but because recently she's been acting like a stranger more than a best friend. I take a deep breath and then let it out, realizing that with it my whole body looks much more bloated.

"I'm sick of this shit, we need to figure out what the hell is going on with you . . . and me!!" I yell and only realize how selfish I must sound to her after the words have already left my lips but it's too late now, it's too late to take it back and I can see that Ava's ears have already picked up the words and are now fueling her lips to throw something back at me which I'm never prepared for.

"Haven't you thought that maybe I'm just fucking going through some shit right now Olivia!? I don't care if you need to figure out your stupid problems. I happen to also have problems. Haven't you ever thought of that!? And maybe I just don't want to fucking discuss it right now!" She practically screams at the top of her lungs. 

The truth is that I have never thought of that, in my eyes Ava has always been perfect and perfect people never have problems even when the hottest guy in school breaks up with them, they somehow magically bounce back and I've seen it happen to Ava. 

I do realize my wrong actions but this still needs to be figured out and every second that passes by without clearing whatever it is that is going on the more I want to lose it and I know that by the end this might end horribly.

"Okay I'm sorry but this isn't like you Ava and I truly want to talk to you as a friend and not for selfish reasons," I say sincerely, trying my best to bend down to her level as she sits there clearly unamused.

"Oh my fucking god Olivia." She rolls her eyes before standing up and walking through our door, slamming it as hard as she possibly manages. 

The last thing I need are our ‚neighbours' to come knocking to ask us what is going on because, in reality, I wouldn't know what to answer. 

Apart from me knows that nothing is wrong and that whatever is now toughening up our friendship will pass but the other part of me seems to be screaming, telling me that something very bad is approaching.

The only thing I want to do is make my best friend feel better but I can't, I can't do anything and the worst thing is that this started out of nowhere, and neither of us seems to have an idea as to why any of this is happening and whether it's the fortune-tellers doing or not, I know this situation isn't natural. 

I never believed in any of the fortune-tellers or magic stuff but now that my life seems to have spiraled out of control so quickly and so randomly, I'm not sure what I believe in anymore. All I know is that this can't be my life but yet every day, I'm proven wrong.