Pictures of You

Chapter One

This is not a coming out story. It's not a coming of age tale, or is it about how I discovered who I was. There are plenty of stories about like that. And that's okay. Everyone has a story to tell. That just isn't mine.

I knew I was gay even before I knew I liked boys, if that's even possible. I knew I was different to all the other boys in my class, before I even thought about which sex I wanted to have sexy time with. Being gay is as much about who I am as it is anything else. Mum told me that I virtually came out of her waving jazz hands. That's not even a joke. She told me that when the doctors first handed me to her, I held both hands forward and waved them theatrically, like a little extra from Chicago. I called bullshit, of course, but she still tells this story even now, sixteen years later. She is probably the only person who has known as long as I have.

I never felt the need to hide it in school. I have only ever known how to be one person; me. Don't worry, I'm not going to launch into the chorus of I am what I am. I've just never felt the need to pretend to be anything I'm not. I doubt if I could even if I wanted to. I'm not a good enough actor. And I'm a fucking awesome actor! I just don't know how to talk about football and tits, even remotely convincingly.

It was in secondary school when the other guys in my class noticed I was different to them. It was that time when everyone else was starting to work out who they were. Some of the boys felt the need to stamp out their ground to show who had the biggest cock in the school. They did this by acting big, and the best way to do that is to make others feel small. Like this kid called David... Something. I cant remember his last name. He wasn't important enough to me to remember it. His slurs were lazy and unoriginal. He marched up to me in the school yard one day, making sure he had a big enough audience, for maximum effect.

'Hey Jackson,' he shouted. 'You're such a faggot.'

'Thanks for that gem of wisdom,' I said, 'but do you have anything that's not blatantly fucking obvious?'

'You little faggot,' he said, repeating the same insult, obviously not a great thinker.

'The second part is right,' I said. 'But less of the little. Don't project your insecurities of me, pencil dick.'

Everyone started to laugh. It took him a few moments to realise that everyone was laughing at him, not with him. He hadn't even considered it would end any other way than him being some kind of genius. He didn't know where to put himself, so he stormed off in a huff.

That day I established myself as some kind of LGBT hero, announcing who I was to the few people who didn't know about me already. As he tried to make his name for himself, he gave me the platform I needed to make mine. Not only did he show what a lame asshole he was, he showed how much smarter than him I was. It turns out that nobody else really cared about gay or straight. All they saw was an asshole trying to put another human being down, and being schooled in the process.

I expected some kind of comeback for the way that I'd spoken to him. He was much bigger than me, and could no doubt have beat me and my skinny frame into a pulp. But it never came. Probably because I never showed any fear,so he had nothing to work with.

People didn't seem scared to come out after that. There are eight other openly guys at my school that I know of, all comfortable being out. As far as I know, none of them have any kind of repercussions as a result of it.

I've slept with two of those eight guys. I dated Jason Edwards in my year for a couple of months, but it didn't go much further than the initial excitement of having a boyfriend at school. And then there was Harry Flynn, a guy in the year above me, who I hooked up with once at a party. But we weren't each other's types, so it was never anything more than a one night thing. It was fueled by alcohol, and there wasn't any awkwardness or hard feelings the next morning. We simply shook hands, thanked each other and went our separate ways.

Also included in that eight is my best friend, James, but we'll come back to him in a bit. There are also two gay girls and one bi guy, although I'm not sure if he's really bi at all. His name is Sam Reilly and he came out as bi last year. But he's been dating Becky Smith ever since, and no one has ever heard of him going with a guy. People say he's making it up because he thinks it makes him cool. I'm not saying that's true, but I like the idea that he thinks something that was once hidden away is now cool.

I like to think that I made being gay cool. At least at my school anyway.

I've never really had problems with bullying, and I've always made friends really easily. I do well in school and get good grades. I have a great social life, great family and I've been told I'm good looking too. You could say I'm very lucky, and I know that I am. There are plenty of other kids out there who don't have it as good as I do. I enjoy my life. Other than the occasional teen drama, I'm pretty sorted.

But then something happened that threw a cat amongst the pigeons.

That's what this story is about.

Author's note.

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