Pictures of You

Chapter Twenty-Two

'I was living in Clapham at the time. It was nineteen sixty five. I was nineteen years old and I hadn't had much experience with men. In fact, I'd had a girlfriend until just a few months before. It wasn't like I felt the need to experiment with girls before I knew who I was. I already knew I was gay. But I felt the pressure to be 'normal' for the sake of my parents. They wanted me to settle down with a nice girl and give them grandchildren. So I dated Madeleine for a few months, but my heart was never in it. I think she knew that too, as she was the one who ended our relationship.

'My parents were upset for me, but it felt more like relief. I knew from the start that I would never be with her in the way she wanted and I would have to eventually end things with her, or live a life I wasn't happy with.

'Things were very different back then. Being gay was still illegal, so it was a part of myself I had to hide. Even after it was decriminalised a few years later, there was still a lot of ignorance and hatred surrounding it. Most of my friends in the sixties and seventies didn't live as openly gay men. Some were married to women because that was what was expected of them. Others who did have same sex partners still lived a lie and cohabited with their partners under the guise of being housemates. One of my friends even had to hire a two bedroom flat so it looked genuine when his mother came to visit him.

'To the outside world I kept myself very private. I couldn't pretend to be something I wasn't. So instead I said nothing at all. I never spoke to family or work colleagues about my life. I never planned on meeting another girl. When anyone asked me about my love life, I simply said I hadn't met the right person yet.

'I found a place I could go. It was a gay sauna, hidden in a basement in the backstreets. I had been told about it once by this guy I met whilst I was cruising. It wasn't exactly the way I wanted to meet a man. I was looking for more than just sex, but I had needs too, so I started going there at least once a week.

'There was very little in the way of conversation that went on in there. I'd see someone giving me the eye from across the room, and moments later we'd be engaging in sexual acts together. I hooked up with numerous men in those early days; none of which I knew the names of. They were all just meaningless, anonymous encounters. I always felt really bad about myself straight after, but it was like an addiction. So week after week I would keep going back, having the same encounters with total strangers.

'And that's when I met him; Miles. He was in the steam room, with a towel wrapped around his waist; the most beautiful boy I'd seen, with the most amazing body. I saw other men approaching him or trying to get his attention. But he didn't seem interested in anyone. He was just minding his own business. Until I entered the room. Straight away he seemed to come alive at the sight if me. He said hi and I said hello back.

'It was the strangest thing. We didn't start anything. Both of us seemed to immediately know that the chemistry between us was more than just sexual. We sat there for over an hour, just talking. Any thoughts of hooking had gone from my mind. I wanted to know more about this man. There was an instant connection between us, and we shared a lot if things in common.
We left together, exchanged contact details and arranged to meet up the next day.

'The date was even better than the first time we met. We talked about everything and within a few hours I felt like I'd known him all my life. And oh how we laughed. There were times when I could hardly breath with laughter. I can't even tell you what we laughed about now. But we just seemed to bounce off each other and knew exactly what to say to make the other erupt into fits of giggles.

'We slept together at my flat after that first date. I'm sure you don't want all the details, but it was the most amazing sex of my life. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and kept waking up throughout the night to go again. We both knew straight away that we'd found something special.