Pictures of You

Chapter Thirty-Four

'Ash!' He looked shocked to see me standing at his door. 'I didn't think I'd ever see you again.'

'Can I come in?' I asked. He nodded and stood back. I could tell he'd been crying; his eyes were red and his eyeliner was smeared all over his face.

'I'm so glad you're here,' he said. 'Not that I ever expect you to forgive me. I know I certainly don't deserve it, but you left here so quickly earlier. I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I was.'

'I don't want you to apologise,' I said.

'No,' he said. 'I don't imagine you're ready to hear that yet. After what I did to you, I don't expect you ever will. I'm such an old fool. I mean, what was I thinking? You're just a child. I feel so ashamed of myself.'

I could tell he was nervous by the way he couldn't stop talking.

'I don't want you to apologise because I just wanted you to know that I understand. Something happened to me today that made me realise how deceiving the way someone looks can be.'

'Are you okay? So you want to talk about it?'

'No. Maybe one day, but not right now. This isn't about me. But I know how easy it is to feel something for someone just because they maybe look someone you know.'

He looked confused.

'It doesn't matter,' I said. 'What I'm trying to say, really badly, is that I can understand how you found yourself in this position. What you went through was a devastating and life changing ordeal. I can only imagine how you felt that day when you first saw my pictures.'

'It was certainly a shock,' he said, 'but I want you to know I'm not making excuses. I know what I did to you was a terrible thing.'

'Do I sound like him too?' I asked him.

He shrugged. 'That's the terrible thing,' he said. 'I can't even remember what his voice sounded like. I tried to hold on to everything about him, but just months after he died, I tried to remember the sound of his voice and I realised I couldn't. I cried so hard. I was worried that I was going to forget everything else. Like his eyes, his smile, or the way it felt when he touched me.'

'Did you forget?'

He shook his head. 'No.'

'That's good.'

'But when we did first speak, I convinced myself that he sounded like you. That's what makes it even harder for me to see you.'

'Do you think it would have easier for you if you'd had chance to say goodbye to him properly? I lost my dad when I was younger and I know there's nothing I wouldn't give to have one last conversation with him, so I could tell him how much I loved him and what a great dad he'd been to me.'

'I'm sorry to hear that Ash. Was he taken from you suddenly?'

'Yes. It was a car crash. One minute he was there, the next he was gone.'

'I've had conversations with Miles so many times in my head. But it's not the same, is it?'

'No,' I said. I knew exactly what he meant. I'd spoken to my dad so many times when I was alone in my room. I dreamt about him pretty much every night for the first year after he died. But I never really felt like he was there. People kept telling me he was still with me and that he was watching me. But I knew it wasn't true. It was just something that people said to make you feel better. He was gone and that was that.

'I bet you really miss him,' he said. 'It's wrong that a young boy like yourself should be without his father.'

'Maybe you should say goodbye to him now,' I said. 'Maybe that would help.'

He looked at me, confused. I sat down in front of him and took both of his hands in mine. 'Tell me all the things you wanted to tell him.'

He looked astonished. 'I can't,' he said.

'Why not?'

'Because...' He couldn't think of a reason. 'Do you really think it would work?'

'We could give it a try.'

I saw a tear start to form in one of his eyes. He nodded, then looked down at the floor. He closed his eyes for a few moments as he collected his thoughts. He raised his head, opened his eyes and looked at me. There was so much water forming under both eyes now. I could tell by the way he was looking at me that Ash wasn't in the room anymore. He was seeing Miles.

I closed my eyes too, and tried to really feel like I was Miles. When I opened my eyes, I could see a twenty year old Walter.

'Oh my boy,' he said, 'my sweet, sweet boy. I'm so happy to see you again.'

His words made me really feel the emotion he was feeling, and I started to cry too. It was the strangest feeling. It was almost as though miles was with me; his spirit inside me. I tried not to speak. I didn't want to say anything that Miles wouldn't say, and ruin the whole thing. Besides, this wasn't about me. It was about him saying goodbye to the man he loved. So I let him tell me everything he needed to tell Miles.

He carried on talking.

'You left my life so quickly that day. One minute we were so happy, and the next you were gone before I could even say goodbye. My life ended too that day. You were my everything, so when you died I was left with nothing. I never got over you. I never found anyone else, because no one else could ever compare to you. I found my one, so anyone who came after you would just pale in comparison. There's only one you.

'I often think back to the day it happened and of all the other choices we could gave made. We could have gone to a different bar in a different part of town. We could have just stayed in. If only we had made different decisions, would you still have been with me now. I know there was no way we could have known. Maybe it was fate and our time was always to shine bright for a short time. But it's hard not to think of that movie, sliding doors. The slightest change to that day could have completely changed our lives. Its hard to not think about what life could have been for us. It's not not to be angry about the way I lost you. And I've carried that anger with me even now.

'But that short time with you is more love than some people will have in a lifetime. I'm grateful to have known you and I can never regret that. I just think about you...all the time. I think about that flutter of excitement I got inside me every time you came home. I think about the goosebumps I got on the back of my neck when you kissed me. I think about the feeling of contentment I had when you were in bed, asleep next to me. I still remember those feelings. They're the only thing keeping me alive.

'I know I'll see you again one day. I think that day will be soon. I don't want to give up on life. You wouldn't want that for me. If losing you taught me one thing, its how precious life is. I live through my family and friends, and try to give them as many good memories of me as I can. I try to be kind and make life better for those I love. Sometimes I get it wrong, but I hope I'm still a good person. That's something you always were and I want you to be proud of me. When we di finally meet again, I want you to wrap your arms around me and tell me I did good.'

He bowed his head down and started crying uncontrollably. 'I love you,' he said.

When he looked back up again I could tell he was seeing Ash again. Miles was gone from the room. I could feel it too.

'Thank you,' he said.

I don't know if it was the relief that I now knew everything, or because of the conversation he'd just had with Miles, but he seemed much lighter. Like a huge weight had been lifted from him. I stayed a little while longer and we chatted. I told him how happy I was that I came to London, even if it hadn't gone the way I planned it. But one thing was for sure, it had changed me. I was a much stronger person than I was when I left. I thought about my dad and hoped that he'd be proud of me for the journey I'd been on. Miles had told me how he always tried to be kind. From now on I would try to do the same thing. I'm not saying I wasn't before, but it would be a conscious decision from now on. I would keep my eyes open and look for those around me who were struggling and try to help them. I think I'd already made a good start.

'You're going home tomorrow?' he said.

'Yes,' I replied.

'I don't know if we'll ever see each other again,' he said, 'but if we don't, I just want to say how happy I am to have met you.'

'I think we'll see each other again,' I said.

He smiled. 'The two of you are even more alike than I first thought,' he said. I knew he was talking about Miles.

'I would have liked to have known him,' I said.

'He would have loved you,' he said.

We stood in silence for a moment.

'I should go,' I said.

'Okay,' he said, 'I hope you have a safe journey.'

He looked worried; thoughtful, like he had something he wanted to say. I knew what it was.

'Ash,' he said.

'No,' I said, pre-empting him,' I wont tell Gladys.

'Thank you,' he said. 'What will you tell her?'

'I'll tell her about meeting the other Alex; the Alex from the pictures. That way I'm not lying to her. I'll tell her he wasn't the man I thought he'd be.

He nodded. 'So are you going to do anything with your last night?'

'Yes,' I said, 'I'm going out.'

'With that handsome friend of yours?'

'No. I'm going out with someone I've got to know much better over the last week. Me.'