Pictures of You

Chapter Twenty-Three

Not meeting Alex was having other effects on me, beyond the emotional journey he'd put me through. It had been a while since I'd had sex, and it was getting to the point where it was all I was thinking about. I'd expected to meet Alex on the first day, then be whisked off to bed, where I'd planned to stay all week, getting up only for snacks and drinks from the fridge. But that hadn't been what had happened.

I lay on my bed flicking through his Instagram pictures, wishing he was here in my bed; on top of me. Inside me. But on his absence, I had to use my imagination. I focussed on the pictures he'd posted with his shirt off, or just in his underwear, or with a towel wrapped around his waist. His body was nothing short of perfect. His torso was sculptured to perfection. He packed his underwear out, leaving nothing to the imagination.

Why was this man interested in me? He could probably have any man he wanted. Maybe that was the problem; he'd realised he was out of my league and moved on to another Adonis.

I committed the photos to memory and undid the flies on my jeans. I imagined him on top of me, doing all the things he said he would. My skinny jeans were restrictive, so I pulled them off, took my T-shirt off and slipped under the covers.

It wasn't often I had to for this for myself. I usually had my best friend to give me a hand. But that had stopped when things got serious with Alex. It hadn't seemed right doing it anymore, even though it was just a little bit of harmless fun.

I pulled on myself for a little while, but I was distracted. I didn't seem to be getting there. My mind drifted for a few moments, and it wandered into territory I wasn't expecting. I forgot about Alex for a second, and someone else entered my mind; Ben.

I found myself imagining what it would be like being in bed with him. I closed my eyes and imagined his rock hard pecs and abs pressed against my body. I lifted my legs and wrapped them around his waist as he kissed me.

A few moments later it was all over.
I lay there, thinking about what had just happened. Why was I thinking about Ben like that? I mean, obviously it hadn't gone unnoticed that he was a good looking guy with a killer body. But he was my friend, nothing more than that. I hadn't thought about him in that way before and that wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted with him. The only way I could think of it, was that I was miles from home, and he was the one who was looking out for me. Somewhere along the way I'd blurred the lines between platonic friendship and sexual attraction. We were going out for drinks tomorrow night. I'd probably tell him all about it and we'd have a good laugh. Just the way that mates do.

I went to sleep, telling myself I was just being silly. But the thoughts didn't go away. I woke up the following day, with a bad case of morning wood. As I often did, I reached into my boxer shorts to sort it out so I could get on with the rest of the day. I lay on my back, closed my eyes and thought of the first person who came to mind.

It was Ben again.

I imagined him on top of me, his lips joined with mine as his body gyrated together; my legs wrapped around him with the full length of him inside me. As it was the previous time, it didn't take me long to finish.

I wiped myself down and grabbed for my phone at the side of the bed to check the time. It was just after nine and the sun was shining through the gap in the curtains

I had a few notifications to go through. A few birthdays and memories to look at on Facebook and a few emails (apparently there was a half price sale on Viagra). Over the last few days, my Instagram notifications had been the first thing I'd check each day. But it was just people liking selfies I'd posted. I didn't see it straight away, but I'd recieved a DM. I clicked on my inbox, and there it was.

One new message.

Alex.

I suddenly felt guilty about the fantasy I'd just had about another guy. I know it wasn't real, but there seemed to be so much that wasn't real about the situation I was in.

I had just dream cheated on my online boyfriend, who I hadn't even met and didn't know was real or not.

I quickly opened it up, and there it was; a long message, sent in multiple parts. I started to read.

Ash, I'm so sorry I didn't reply to your messages earlier. You must think I'm a terrible person. You come all this way to see me and I can't even reply to a DM. It's not that I didn't want to. I really did. I really want to see you, but there's some things going on in my life right now and I just wanted to take the time to tell you all about them.

For a while I've suffered from terrible anxiety. I know I must come across as this uber-confident guy because of the pictures I post, but it's all just a facade I put on.

I could completely understand this. I had suffered from panic attacks for a while myself. I remembered the last one I had outside the cafe I thought he worked in and how bad that had been. It was another strange thing we had in common, and it felt good to understand him a little more. Mine started after my dad died. I wondered if there was something that had happened to him that triggered his.

I carried on reading.

I've arranged dates with guys before and had such bad panic attacks that I've ended up cancelling hours, sometimes even minutes before I was due to meet him them. I'm sure you can imagine how that goes down. I had one guy really lay into me and say a lot of hurtful things, which made me just feel even worse.

I thought things would be different with you. I thought when I met someone I really liked, then all that would disappear. I knew I liked you as soon as we started talking. I'm not going to lie; the distance between us made me feel better about it. I thought at least that way, I'd have chance to really get to know you through talking online before deciding to meet up. So when I knew you were here in London, staying in the room above the pub I sometimes drink in, well, I panicked. I'm not saying you did anything wrong by coming. It was a wonderful, romantic and spontaneous gesture. I should be thrilled you thought enough of me to do it. And I am. But I'm just really struggling to come to terms with it.

I know this must be really frustrating and disappointing for you to hear. I would like to meet you; I really would, but I just need more time. I don't know if that will be whilst you're here. I'm trying my best to work through this. But I would totally understand if you got tired of waiting and wanted to move on. You're so cute. You could have any guy you wanted, so there would be no reason for you to wait around for me.

He though I could have any guy I wanted? He was so much hotter than I was, that I never thought for a second that he could think the same thing about me.

I looked at the time the last message was sent. It was just a minute ago. As I stared at my screen, another message popped up.

Oh, by the way, random question, but you weren't at my gym the other day, were you? I saw a guy who looked just like you. I didn't think at the time, because I had forgotten you were here, but then it occurred to me later on.

My first thought at this was panic. I had been caught out stalking him. But then a second thought came to me. If he had seen me, then it must have been him who I'd seen. That meant he was definitely real. Now I knew that for sure. And what made me feel even better was knowing that he did really like me. I just had to hope now that he changed his mind and met up with me whilst I was here.