Pictures of You

Chapter Twenty-Six

We went from bar to bar, each one a little louder than the one before. My funds were fast running out. I hadn't planned on a bar crawl when I factored in how much I would need for this week. I certainly wasn't expected the price they were charging for drinks; it was so much cheaper up north. But every time I told Ben I was out, and that I was going back to my room, he appeared a few moments later with another vodka and coke in each hand. He must have bought at least twice the amount of drinks that I had. I felt bad. Even though he was a little older than me, he was still a student living on loans.

I completely lost track of time. It was two o clock by the time I noticed just how fast the night had gone. I had no idea if the tube or the busses were still running and there was no way I could afford a taxi. Ben seemed to read my mind.

'How about we get something really greasy to eat and go back to mine?' he said. 'I don't want you going home on your own.'

I nodded. It was a big relief. 'Okay,' I said, 'that sounds like a plan.'

So we went to a fast food place a couple of minutes walk away and we both ate chicken and chips. We ate in silence, both ravenous and shoving the greasy meat down our throats as fast as we could. When we'd finished, we wiped our mouths and fingers and went out to try and grab a taxi. Ben reached out and grabbed my hand as we walked. Our fingers linked together and he held on tight so as not to lose me. It felt like a totally normal thing to do; more of a friendly gesture than a romantic one. There were plemty of gay couples walking around doing the same thing and no one around batted an eyelid. After Walter telling me his story last night, I felt lucky to live in a time where we could do this.

He let go of my hand for a second as he stepped forward and held out his hand. A black cab indicated and pulled up in front of us. Ben told the driver where we wanted to go. He nodded and we got in.

'I'm absolutely knackered,' I said, resting my head on his shoulder.

'We'll be home soon,' he said. 'Go to sleep. I'll wake you when we're there.'

'I'll just shut my eyes for a second.'

And it did feel like just a second. I woke to Ben gently shaking my shoulder. We'd arrived at his flat. 'oh right,' I said, rubbing my eyes and getting out, as Ben paid the driver. The cold air outside woke me up, and it was like I'd never been asleep. We walked in the front door of his apartment block and thankfully there was a lift. The heat was on inside his flat and made me feel warm again. I was glad I'd decided to stay as I'd no doubt still be finding my way home right now.

'Another drink?' Ben said. I was awake enough again, so I said, 'Sure.' He picked some music on his phone and it came out if a smart speaker that was hidden somewhere at the side of his couch. I heard a hsssst noise, and he reappeared a few seconds later with two open bottles.

'Thanks,' I said as I plonked myself down on the couch.

'No problem,' he said, sitting in the seat to the side of me.

'I've had such a good night,' he said.

'Me too,' I replied.

'It's a shame you don't live closer so we could hang out more.'

'Well it's just another excuse to come home more often.'

'Maybe I will.' He shoved me playfully,
then came a moment between us. We both fell silent and he looked me in the eyes. I wasn't sure what to do next, so I remained where I was to see how it played out. He leaned in towards me, mouth slightly open, closing his eyes as our faces met. I wasn't sure if I should pull away or lean into it. I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Ben was my friend. It was Alex I had come to London looking for. Admittedly that wasn't going too well, but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't see it through, and lost what potentially could be a really great thing.

Then there were the effects it could have on our friendship. Once we did this, there was no going back. If either of us even slightly regretted it, then we wouldn't be able to look at each other again. It would put an end to our friendship before we'd even really began.

But it felt so good. His lips were soft against mine and his tongue warm in my mouth. His one-day stubble felt rough against my smoother skin. I knew I should stop him, but it was taking my brain a few moments to catch up with what was going on.

I had to make choice before it went too far. He moved his body closer to mine, so his body was pressed hard against mine. I could feel he was hard, as I could feel it pressing into my leg. The feeling was mutual. Things were getting tighter and tighter in the front of my jeans.

That was my body's way of telling me this felt good. But my mind didn't seem to agree. I could go along with this. Ben was a stunning looking guy and the sex would no doubt me incredible.

His hand moved further up my leg, until it pressed against my crotch. With one hand he started unbuttoning my flies.

'Stop!' I said jumping up out of my seat.

'What's wrong?' he asked.

'We shouldn't be doing this.'

'Why? We're both young, free and single.'

But was I single?

I'd told Alex we were together now, which meant I shouldn't be sleeping with other guys.

'But what about Alex?' I said.

'Alex?' he said. 'The guy who stopped messaging you as soon as meeting you in person looked like it might become a reality?'

'He's messaging me again. He's explained what happened. He has really bad anxiety.'

'That's such bullshit! If he really wanted to see you, then he would have. He's probably not even real. And if he is, he's just not that into you.'

'Stop saying that.' The tone of my voice suddenly shot up.

'I'm sorry if the truth hurts Ash. I just don't want to see waiting around for something that will probably never happen. You deserve better than that.'

'And you think that's you, do you?'

'I don't know. Maybe not. But I know that I'm into you, and I thought you were into me too. Why does sex have to be so serious? Can't it just be about two people, enjoying each other in the moment?'

'You've got to be fucking kidding me!' I realised my flies were still slightly open, so did them back up again. All this time I've been opening up to you, and you're thinking about how you can get your leg over. I thought you were my friend.'

I found my shoes and put them on again.

'I am your friend.' He stood up, so we were face to face again. 'It's not like that. I listened to you because you needed someone, and I was there for you. I still am. If you're not into this, then I'll back off. But if you're turning me down because of him, then I'm telling you it's not worth it. Until you actually meet him, if you ever do, surely we're free to do what we want.'

'I've got to go,' I said. I grabbed my jacket and left without another word.