Their Second Chance

Chapter 35

"You are being immature,Sabrina!" Hamza said calmly .

 "No I'm not." My voice cracked.

 "Yes, you are. It's s alright. You know it takes time." Hamza said as slowly ran his hands through my hair. It was enough to break me.

"Heyyy, don't cry! " Hamza took me in his arms. I sobbed like a baby.

 "You don't know how it feels like. You just don't. You don't know how it feels to see you again got your period. You don't know how I dread these dates. You just don't know. How everytime the blood in my pants breaks my hopes, my dreams. You just don't know with every date it reminds me another month is gone, yet we are trying. You just don't know that it feels like someone has put a sword through your heart. I have to go through this every time." I cried and cried over the fact that I had my period .

For past 3 months we are trying. Almost everyday. I was positive and optimistic in the first month. I just knew a baby will take time to make. But with passing month everytime I had my period, my heart bleed.

No one knew how much I wanted a kid. How much i wanted to feel a human growing inside me. To feel it's kick. Hamza has been supportive all along. But what about me? I'm feeling more useless everyday. No job to do. Heck! I can't even conceive a child!

I sometimes wonder, how people gets pregnant by only one night stand? How? Annd why not me? Last time i checked up, we were completely fine! Was something very wrong with us? With every prayer we made, we poured our heart out. Then again another month of disappointment. 

 "Allah is the best planner, Babe. Don't break down. We are strong together. Just don't lose your faith on him." Hamza sais as he rubbed my back.

"Why it pains so mucn, Hamza? Why can't just the pain go away? " I cried more. Hamza kissed my head.

"We will be alright,  its just wasn't our time." Hamza held me close .

"I feel so useless, Hamza. I am letting you down, letting myself down. I can't conceive a child, I can't make you happy, I'm not even capable of finding a decent job! You saw that day how your friends are so successful, heck look at you! I don't even deserve to stand beside you. What do i have? " I cried more holding him. Hamza broke the hug and stared down at me. His eyes were flaming with anger.

 "Come." Hamza said shortly and walked out of the bathroom. I followed him. He patted the spot next to him on the bed.

 "Do you seriously think you are useless? Have you seen yourself? You think you are failing me? Have you look at yourself for once? You are everything I wished for. I prayed for. And you are telling me I don't deserve you? Does a child means everything? Do we have to lebel our love with a child? How can you think that you are letting anyone down? Who am I  you are comparing with? You are 100% on your own. You are worrying about not getting a decent job? Tell me who was the girl who helped Professor Stevenson with his PhD paper work? I'm telling you it's not our time.

If he is not giving us what we want, he surely has a strong reason behind it. He always has a strong reason behind everything." Hamza said calmly. Though he was way too angry, he kept his calm.  I wiped my tears and looked down at my hand. Hamza took a deep breath. He scooted close to me and took my hand on his.

"Let me tell you a story. My Dad's family has always been so religious. They were so into Islam that, their belief level was you can say strong yet pathetic. I'm calling it pathetic cause they used to hate non-Muslims. Just think about an American family, living among non-Muslims yet being their hater. Dad went to an Islamic school. He was never allowed to play with other kids. My uncle and my dad was their only friends. But when dad graduated from high school, he wanted to go university. Cause he was such a bright student. He completed his Islamic studies as well as did a privet course on general studies. My grandfather was strictly against it.