Blood Memories [Last of Elves book 1] (NaNoWriMo 2014)

Fifty: Naameh

Naameh

He’s gone.

There’s nothing left. Only ashes. I made sure that the townspeople were kept away from the area. It was custom anyway to prevent the children from seeing charred bodies.

But there wasn’t even that.

I made the warriors search thoroughly, but all they found was the charred remains of the platform, and the twisted, blackened remains of the chains. There was nothing of the elf. Not even a cloak.

He is gone.

I don’t understand. I was furious with myself for letting him go, for letting him choose to go. It wasn’t how it was supposed to end up. But it’s later now, and my anger’s gone. I can see what happened.

It was all my fault.

I used him. I didn’t see what I was doing to him. I thought that he understood; that he wanted the same thing.

How I was wrong!

In the end, I did just as I’d sworn not to. I killed him. Killed the last true blood of the land. Nothing can forgive me for that. I cannot even forgive myself.

Ailill … no. I can’t call him that. I don’t deserve to call him that.

Panthera. He had agreed. I thought it was because he believed in what I was doing. I refused to remember what he had told me. That he had no faith in the mother goddess. That he trusted the earth. In the end, he didn’t agree because of me. It was because of himself.

The elfin race was dead. He was the last true blood. There was no chance of them ever returning. I think, now, that I understand. He only wanted to leave. He was tired of being starving and hunted. Of being continually in fear for his life.

He seemed to revel in confusing me, in irritating me, in making sure that I didn’t know what he was talking about. What he said about the River – the rivers – both fascinates and scares me. I don’t know what to think of the information. I had no idea that there was another river, another lifeblood for our land. If he knew that, then what else did he know? What other information did the elves know that could have been valuable in saving the land?

I wish I’d known what he was planning to do, but he didn’t tell me. I knew nothing of what he would do, and still know nothing of why he did it. I can only assume that he wanted me to be happy, to not have to worry about the people any longer. It is true, the people need me. I am the only one who can help them, the only one who can speak to the goddess. They need me.

They need me more than I needed him, despite how much I wished otherwise.

I had no choice.

As is customary, the ashes will stay there until the wind and rain takes them away. Because it is only Early Spring, that will take weeks. The rain has gone, and the wind. They will come back near the end of Late Spring, when Early Summer is coming around the corner.

It doesn’t bother me. The ashes meant nothing. The elf was nothing. I have no feelings for him, and he had none for me … He wouldn’t have gone if he had felt something. He’s left me, left the girl. He felt nothing for either of us. At least he wasn’t lying when he said there was nothing between him and the girl. Although, I did think he felt something for me. Clearly, I was wrong, as he has proved me on so many occasions.

I’m fooling myself now. He left me, choosing to allow me to save the people, and took my heart with him when he left. I don’t know what he felt for me, whether he did love me, or whether I was just a means to let him be free again. And now I’ll never know.

He’s gone. Dead. It was a mistake, and one that I will pay dearly for as long as I live. I know I’ll be reminded of him every day, and while I welcome it, it will be hard.

I hope I’m strong, as I know he would want me to be.

I don’t want to disappoint him now, when he gave everything for what I believe in.