Filter (Kim Namjoon X Readers)

Chapter 35

Christmas Eve is a time of celebrating and enjoying the company of your family. It was also the night before your wedding. While Jooheon's family wanted to have dinner with you, your parents thought it would be best to spend the night with their daughter before she leaves and stay with her husband for the rest of her life. You weren't sure what Christmas would look like with your new family next year, but you knew it couldn't be as warm as in your parents' embrace tonight. They said nothing about tomorrow, but you imagined they still weren't the most delighted parents in the world. It'll be fine, you told yourself, everything will work out the way it should.

While you were enjoying a holiday special that's airing on the television, your phone rang. Your heart began to pound. Even though you deleted his number, your brain still memorized it without your permission. The first instinct was to let it go to voicemail, but he called again. This time, you felt the urge to hear his voice. You left the living room and headed for yours. "Hello?" you answered. The man on the other line said nothing for a few seconds, he was probably surprised that you picked up in the first place and his mind went blank. "I'm hanging up if you're not going to say anything."

"No!" Namjoon interjected. "Don't hang up~" he mumbled, slurring his words. You sighed, he was drunk. Suddenly, you remembered how the boys told you at some point that Namjoon hardly ever gets drunk because his alcohol tolerance was through the roof. You wonder how much he has congested and got worried. "I want to see you, please." he said. "Come to the rooftop."

"What-" Without another word, Namjoon hung up, leaving you in utter confusion and confliction. You stood in one spot for a moment, battling your inner voices on what you should do. A voice said you shouldn't see him, not only did he break your heart but you were also getting married tomorrow to someone that would be much better than him. The other voice said you needed to hear his explanation, even at least just for some sort of closure. Against your better judgement, you listened to the second voice and put on a padded jacket. "I'll be back soon," you declared before closing the door. Your parents looked at each other and shrugged.

"Maybe she changed her mind?" your father suggested.

"I hope so," your mother replied, nuzzling closer to her husband.

Snow had covered all the rooftops of school buildings. But on top of the music room, was the same golden glow you saw last year and the person next to it would be your undoing. Taking a deep breath, you proceeded up the stairs until you saw him sitting flat on the ground, snow falling on top of his hair like glitter. Dozens of empty beer cans sat next to him. He heard your footsteps on the snow and glanced up. With the moonlight overhead, his eyes were sparkling with tears. Your heart fixed itself enough just for it to be pained at the sight.

"I didn't think you would come." he marvelled.

"I didn't think I would either," you scoffed silently. "But here I am."

Namjoon stood up, or tried to, but he lost his balance and stumbled backward a little bit. At least he remained on his feet. "I know the last thing you want is to see me and to hear what I have to say, so thank you for coming."

"You're right, I didn't want to ever see you again. But I'll listen to you one last time."

A small smile plastered on his face, "There was a time after my mother died that I told myself I wouldn't love again because that would only lead to disappointment. That was my motto as I went through life and that was my mindset going into the game with the boys. I just thought it would be fun, and I never imagined that I would love you as deeply and truly as I did." His voice was cut off by the knot in his throat, and the tears were stinging his eyes. His breath became unstable as he tried to suppress a sob. "I know you won't believe me, I know you won't believe that I am capable of love and I don't blame you. I didn't think I was either until I met you. After getting to know you, the game was the last thing on my mind, in fact, it didn't exist anymore. The boys told you about why I chose to end things the way I did, but it doesn't change the fact that I did lie to you and my intention going into the game wasn't pure. But it doesn't change the fact that I love you, truly, with everything I have."

"If you do love me, why aren't you fighting for me?" you asked. "Why aren't you telling me to stop my engagement?"

"It's because I love you that I can't ask you to do that," he replied, "I don't have the right to ask that of you. Jooheon's a good man and he will make you happy. You'll have a good life with him."

"If you think I'll be happy with him, then you clearly don't know how to read people." you stated.

"Y/N,"

"No, I've listened enough. Now it's my turn to talk." you huffed. "I won't be happy with him. He won't love me because I won't give him any in return. And do you know what's the most twisted part about all of this? I don't blame you, I don't think I ever did. When the boys told me the whole story, I believed them, I believed that you did love me. But what broke my heart was that I didn't hear it from you and when I finally get your truth, you're telling me to marry someone I don't love, instead of you, the person I really love. I don't know what to believe anymore." you mumbled.

Namjoon couldn't enjoy the confession as much as he had wanted, the guilt was burning him alive. He thought that by running away, it would help you heal, but turns out, it only made both your wounds deeper. He gasped quietly when he saw the tears dampening the snow below. His heart ached. In his mind, he already has you in his arms, but in reality, there was still an ocean separating you two.

You quickly wiped the tears away and cleared your throat. "Well, if that's what you wish, then I'll marry him and spend the rest of my life trying to forget about you." Tell me I shouldn't do that, tell me you still want me.

Namjoon knew he should have said something, but he couldn't muster up a word as you descended the stairs. The snow continued, he wished it would bury him so he wouldn't have to see the light of tomorrow.