Issues // H.S. // A.U.

Chapter Twenty-Three

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter isn't so bad, but in the next 2-3 chapters I will be writing about some very triggering things, so please be aware that is coming up. I will have a trigger warning at the beginning of those chapters, but it's important for me to let you know ahead of time that it will be upsetting and hard to read for everybody. Please be mindful of what you comment as well. Even when you sensor your words with * it can still affect people.

DANI

Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, gasping and sitting upright quickly. My lights were still on, now the third night in a row I've slept with them on, not liking waking up in the dark where I couldn't make sense of things. I look to the other half of my bed, empty like it had been since Sunday night.

I haven't been avoiding Harry.

I just didn't want to keep him up at night during one of the most important weeks of the year. I knew how important his finals were to him, determined to get an internship at the publishing company in the city this summer. I wanted him to succeed, and if I kept him up all night with my nightmares then there was no way he would be able to focus.

The guilt I felt after Sunday night, keeping him awake for hours when he should've been getting a good night's rest, was immense. It flowed along with my fear and shame, a trio of emotions that seemed trapped within my body. I hadn't felt this feeble in ages, my nightmares stopping years ago.

I missed Harry, though. I wanted him in my bed, holding me, whispering things in my ear when he thought I was asleep. But I was too ashamed. As much as I wanted him here with me, I knew he needed to take care of himself, focus on his schoolwork. I didn't want him to worry about me all day and night, and get no sleep because he's waiting for me to stop dry-heaving into the toilet after a particularly realistic nightmare.

I had heard him make that joke to Conner about not being able to stay awake during his final, and even though I knew he didn't mean it seriously, I couldn't help but feel responsible. He was so sweet and attentive all night with me. He had sacrificed his temporary well-being for me and I hated it.

I wished I didn't feel like this, that my past wasn't filled with horrors, and that I could just be normal. I didn't want this baggage, and I didn't want Harry to have to deal with my baggage. He's tried to stay the night every night since my first episode, but I always told him I was too tired or just wanted some alone time. I looked so terrible from my lack of sleep and heightened stress that I was paler than usual, deep bags forming under my eyes.

I couldn't let him see me like this. In fact, I avoided everyone. I made sure that when I was leaving and entering the house that they wouldn't be around. The fear and exhaustion was too prevalent in my eyes for them to ignore. I needed to get ahold of myself before I showed my face. Every time I told him I just wanted some privacy, or we were having a girls night, or I wasn't feeling up to it, I felt shame.

Shame that I was like this, so weak and fragile. I had tricked Harry into thinking I was someone that I wasn't. Someone who was strong and formidable. Someone who knew who she was. Hell, I think I even tricked myself into thinking that's who I was.

I just needed time. I needed time to gather myself and control my fear. If I could just go one night without nightmares, then I would feel comfortable enough to have him next to me. I could hide my stress and under-eye bags with makeup, and I could still pretend I was that person he thought I was. At least with finals, I had a somewhat valid excuse to keep him away.

But now I was out of time. Finals had officially ended yesterday, Harry calling me right after he knew mine got out to see if he could come over. I told him that I was doing a girls night, so he started talking about the next day - Friday. When I told him I picked up a double shift at the restaurant, he was silent. For the first time, he didn't try and hide his disappointment.