Issues // H.S. // A.U.

Chapter Twenty-Four

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter isn't so bad, but in the next few chapters I will be writing about some very triggering things, so please be aware that is coming up. I will have a trigger warning at the beginning of those chapters, but it's important for me to let you know ahead of time that it will be upsetting and hard to read for everybody. Please be mindful of what you comment as well. Even when you sensor your words with * it can still affect people.

DANI

"Are you going to break up with me?"

My head whips over, eyes widening at his question. It was voiced so painfully that I felt like I could hear my heart crack in half. And I was sure the moment my eyes laid upon him, that I would never forgive myself for making him feel like that.

I had been so busy thinking about protecting him from me, that I had blinded myself to whatever pain I was causing this boy. He looked so broken, like just the idea of me not wanting him was too much for him. Yet he had been brave enough to ask me that question, one I'm sure he was so scared to speak out loud.

I imagine the many times this week he had asked himself just this, wondering if I was going to leave him, wondering if he wasn't enough for me. From his point of view, everything changed in a night, and I had pushed him away when all he wanted to do - needed to do - was help me.

How can I explain to him that there is no helping? That this pain and darkness inside me was here to stay, and that no matter how sweet and kind he was I would always be dealing with this trauma. I had thought there was no way he could understand this thing that happened to me. He came from such a different upbringing than me. He had a family, a true family, that loved him, and although it wasn't perfect he still had them.

Mine had hated me, given me up and tossed me aside. I didn't know how to let people in. I've been faking it this entire time. Lying to myself thinking that I had gotten past all this shit, but just by the sight of him it came crumbling around me.

Harry didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this pain. He had a golden heart. A heart he was slowly gifting me these past few months, and I had just squeezed it dry in my frightened hands. He deserved someone simpler, who didn't have my baggage, someone that could love him the way he deserved to be loved.

But I was selfish. No matter the pain I caused him, no matter my inability to open up, I didn't want to do this without him. If anyone was going to end this, it would have to be him.

"Harry, no-" I start to choke out, but he interrupts me.

"Don't pity me, Dani." He says, eyes darting away from mine, "I know you don't want this anymore."

"That's not true-" I try once again, but he continues.

"Fuck, just- just tell me now so I don't fall any further."

His confession of him falling for me more broke me. I hated that I had made him this insecure. I hated it. I hated me.

I shake my head, "Nothing's changed-"

"Everything's changed!" He yells, frustration pouring out of him, "We went from seeing each other all the time to you barely wanting to speak to me for more than five minutes! I know-" he swallows roughly, "I know I have no right to pressure you into talking to me about what happened to you, and I know I'm not what you need-"

"Harry, shut up for one second!" I yell back, "I am not breaking up with you. And you are what I need, it's just- fuck, it's just hard sometimes. Everything's fucked in my head right now, and it's not because of you! You're the only reason I feel even remotely sane."