What It Seems | Wattys 2023

Chapter 52

BAYLOR

The last time I was in a hospital bed was for the exact same reason I'm in here now. The room was vacant and the only sound I heard was the machine beeping. It was too quiet. I didn't like the hushed tone all for the reason why my brain pulled those negative thoughts from the back of my mind.

I sighed. I ran my hands through my messy hair and my palms over my eyes. My nerves were shot. By the time I received a clear vision, I looked around my room. The sun had gone down behind the trees and the crickets outside my window began to chirp. It was peaceful, but too peaceful for my liking.

I breathed in the hospital air and looked at my wrist. It's a sight I remember: the bracelet with my personal information on my right wrist, and the bandage around my left.

I felt a few tears leak from my eyes. Therapy back in Boston didn't necessarily help me at all - I never listened to the counselor or to the people in the support groups. And once I proved to my mom that I hadn't cut myself in a few months time, she let me move to Shady Grove when I turned eighteen. Then I encountered Adalynne and fell too in love with her. I took advantage of her. My happiness was basically based off of her.

Losing Adalynne was like dealing with my dad. My dad used to call me a mistake, a disadvantage. I thought of those names until I fell in love with Adalynne, that night of our second date. She made me feel superior, an important person with a reason to be alive. Adalynne never made me feel negative about myself; she never failed to lift my spirits. She never failed to make me happy.

I should've listened to her story on this whole thing. Things would've been easier on the both of us. I would've been holding her in my arms last night instead of cutting myself if I would've seen it as no big deal. But I got angry too quick to even hear what she had to say. I got too hurt.

When she said her and Derek had kissed, I felt betrayed. I looked at Adalynne as if she were lying to me for the past seven months on how much she loves me. I let every word hit me like a bullet train.

"Worthless."

"Mistake."

"Disadvantage."

"Unwanted."

Every word my father had used on me was as if Adalynne meant them as well when I thought she kissed Derek herself. Adalynne wasn't that kind of person; not the kind of person I had fallen in love with. Adalynne was sensitive herself: very selfless, truly pure and magnificent.

The door opened and my eyes travelled to the incoming guest. Her heels clicked across the hardwood floor and her familiar scent followed with her.

"Hi sweetie," her white smile glistened.

"Hi Mom." I softly grinned and watched as she sat beside me on my bed. She placed her palm on my cheek and ran her thumb along the apple of my cheek. She looked at my gown and the bracelet and the bandage around my wrist. I watched her eyes water, and as she turned her head, she let the tears drip down her cheek. This was too familiar to her.

I clasped my hand around her arm and she turned her body to hug me. Her arms wrapped around my head and her digits played with my hair at the nape of my neck. She pecked the crown of my head.

"I'm sorry, Mom."

She sulked and sniffed. Her young features softened and her lips spread into a smile. She picked her legs onto the bed and let her heels drop to the floor. The covers were pushed back and she slid her lower limbs under. She pressed her hand into my back and she pulled my upper body closer to her. I laid my head on her chest and she ran her fingers up and down my back.