Cartel│Mark Lee

Let me go

My heart stopped for a moment. He loved me? That wasn't possible. Mark always pushed me away and told me we could never be anything more then partners. A humongous rush of shock went through my body as my lips parted. His eyes searched mine for an answer. "But I don't think you do." I whispered. The emotion that both of us felt came from the dramatic event with Haechan. We were both a mess in that moment and relied on each other to pick ourselves up. Mark had never experienced this level of intimacy with any one before. He has never been with someone through up and downs. With his lack of experience how could he know the difference between love and partnership. I couldn't believe his words. Mark always pushed me away from him. Why did he want to be open and love me all of a sudden. He furrowed his eyebrows at me and looked hurt by my response. 

"You have no idea do you?" He shook his head at me like I was stupid. I looked away from him. "I think you have no idea." I emphasized the word you and hopped of the counter. I landed in front of Mark and look up to him. "You have pushed me away for so long and I complied, I understood why you did that. Now you're throwing all of those reasons away and saying you love me?" I almost scoffed. "You're out of your mind." My hand raised to my forehead to ease the pounding headache I had. "I am out of my mind for you." His voice was serious as he mumbled those words. He looked almost free despite our consequences and duties that held us down. Mark always wanted to be successful and in charge. Why was he trying to risk those factors for me? "Vanessa look at me." His voice ran deep and sent chills down my spine as I followed his command. "Do you not realize I would and will do anything for you? I can't control the way I feel about you anymore." He grabbed both of my hands. "I want to control the way I feel, but I can't." He sighed. I hesitantly shook his hands off from mine. "Exactly, you want to control it. You want to keep me away." 

"I want to do that for your sake nessa! I want you to live a free life, not with me. I don't want to keep you stuck here." His eyebrows furrowed together and his cuts stretched from the tension of his face, making them bleed slightly again. "Then let me go." I whispered. He remained silent and watched me with his sad eyes. I loved Mark. I loved him deeply, with every bone I had in my body, but I could not give into him. He was right, I could never leave this life if I was with him in that way. I didn't want to trap myself into a bigger mess. 

"You don't know how to love Mark." I gave him a sympathetic smile and ran my hand through his dark hair. "You think you love me because you have never had someone like me in your life before." The cold truth slammed my body and made me want to cry, but I couldn't. Mark looked at me coldly. He turned his head and left the bathroom without a word. I didn't know what he expected me to do. Did he want me to say I loved him back? Our life was far too complicated to start a relationship. He was crazy for even thinking that. I always said I would wait for him, but I think I waited long enough to know what's good for me. Mark wasn't good for me and I finally realized that. 

I stared at my reflection in the mirror and was disgusted by the sight. My hair was tangled and knotted and my mascara smudged below my eyes. I looked like a mess. I was even more disgusted by the interior of my soul. The damage I carried with me was wearing on my happiness. I was running short and Mark couldn't even lift me up from my sorrows this time. His confession to me wasn't enough to make me feel something again. The power I craved, the validation, the feeling of pure adrenaline I lusted after. It was all replaced with a feeling of emptiness. I had already gained so much in the past few months with Mark, I didn't know what else to do or search after. My eyes fell heavy looking at myself and I couldn't stand it anymore. I screamed. I screamed at the girl in front of me who didn't know who she was. I screamed at her for ruining her life. I wailed for the feeling of something else, anything but the pure numbness I felt inside my core. 

My hand turned into a fist as I punched the mirror several times. The glass shattered around my hand and I gasped at the pain. I slipped to the ground slowly as I cried. I brought my knees up to my chest and hid my head in my arms. I was frustrated that I could never fill the void I had in my heart. I was mad at myself for not being able to be happy despite all of the clothes, cars and popularity that once distracted me before. Although it felt like I couldn't get up again I did. I stumbled to my feet after what felt like an eternity on the cold floor. I brushed my hair back and rubbed off my smudged makeup as best as I could. I took a deep breath and left the bathroom.

A maid stood outside the door and looked at me worried. "Clean this up." My voice cracked but I still held up strong. "But miss, your hand." She looked scared of me. Her eyes were terrified at the sight of me and I couldn't help but not blame her. I looked at my hand that was bloodstained and turning purple with bruises. I ignored her statement about my hand and looked away as I could not face her. "Did you not hear me? Clean this up." I walked away from her. I felt the same way about myself as she must have viewed me. A monster.