Cartel│Mark Lee

Fix you

I understood him. The loneliness he felt from the empty hole in his heart. He wanted to replace the void he felt with whatever made him feel alive. Mark and I were from two different worlds but still remained the same at heart. We were brought up completely different but still managed to yield the same emptiness. I filled that void with money and power. He filled the void with cocaine and whatever else he could get his hands on. Mark told me once that alcohol temporarily healed all wounds, I wondered if he felt the same way about drugs. 

I stared at him from across the large dining room table. I remembered the first time I sat here to eat breakfast. I wondered if Mark ever felt alone sitting at a big table like this all by himself. I had always thought about Mark in that way. I had always wondered how he was feeling or how he coped, I just never imagined it would be like this. His eyes held a sense of sorrow looking into mine. The room was silent, the only sound coming from the creaking of the house. He looked like a walking zombie. It was painful. It hurt to look at him and feel nothing but disgust. It was agonizing to think of a world where I would continue to look at him this way. 

The inside of my cheek palpated in pain from my teeth clenching down on its flesh. My hair was down, covering most of my face and neck. Mark had yet to speak due to his embarrassment being too grand. Mark awoke on the cold ground in the foyer this morning. He awoke with regret and a headache. The food prepared in front of us was not appetizing to say the least and I picked at it with my fork. I had yet to conclude the words in my head to say to Mark, there was too much going on in my mind to form complete sentences. I understood Mark, the same way I understood my parents. They weren't bad people for using narcotics. They were just careless about themselves and others around them.

I had dealt with the struggle of my parents not caring enough for me as they continued to use the drugs that killed them. I was now dealing with the nostalgia of that pain with Mark, who didn't care for me enough as he continued to use the drugs behind my back while knowing my past with them. Mark, who has said he loved me, hurt me in ways most people couldn't. Mark was someone I confided in with my darkest moments and he brought back all those memories of my gloomed past. "Vanessa, I want to apologize." He spoke softly to me and stared to the ground. "I bet you do." I let out a breathless laugh and closed my eyes. "This all started when you left. Believe me, I had no intention of hurting you as I thought you were never to return. When I started them I had no idea about your parents or-"

"Stop." I cut him off at the mention of my mother and father. "Will you listen to me?" Mark's voice had never been this quiet. I was truly seeing Mark come to me with his tail between his legs. I stayed silent and looked up to him, allowing him to talk. "You left Vanessa. I was in this house alone for the first time since you came here. I have not had that soul-crushing feeling since my mom left me." He let out a breath and continued, "I was having all these thoughts about what my life had come to. I was thinking about the time where you asked me if I had ever loved anything before, the only thing I could come up with was you and my mother. You both left me like it was nothing so I began to feel like I was nothing." Mark looked away from me and I swore I saw a single tear run down his face.

The man in front of me was truly broken. The empty hole in his heart was left from his runaway mother and unaffectionate father. He craved a family and love. In replace of that he used anything to make him feel alive. I realized I had only made that hole bigger when I left. I remember running away from Mark almost like it was easy and it never occurred to me how that would have affected him. I understood Mark, I really did, but the look in his eyes made me feel repulsed. Mark represented the downfall of my life. He fed into the only thing in the world that I hated. How could I be with someone like that? "Haechan got me into it. The whole thing was never voluntary. He would feed me it like it was candy and if I'm going to be honest with you, it was the only thing that made me happy." Mark reached his hands up to his face and rubbed it tiredly.

"I am sorry Vanessa. I truly am." He spoke sincerely and I believed him. I sighed. "What do you want me to say Mark? Do you want me to say Its okay and that you should continue to be 'happy' on drugs? You want me to let you live like this and just watch you?" I said painfully as I looked at the hopeless man in front of me. Mark never gave me a reason to believe he wanted to change. The only thing I wanted from him was a sense of hope. I wanted to hope that he would want to stop taking drugs and try to be happy sober. I just wanted him to look at me and tell me things would get better, that he would get better. Even though I could accept his apology, it would mean nothing without him changing. "Vanessa what happened to your parents is rare and indescribably horrible. I am sorry that you had to go through that, I really am, but I know my business and my products. My drugs are safe so you don't have to worry about the same situation happening to me."

 Mark got out of his chair and walked over to me. My lips parted in shock as his words cut deep into the pit of my stomach. Mark grabbed my hands in a comforting manner as I froze. "Are you kidding?" I whispered in shock. I couldn't even look at him as I ripped my hands away from his. "You are going to play this off like its not a big deal to me or to our relationship? You are really going to compare and downplay the situation with my parents for your own sake of mind?" I asked. "Can you not see how much this hurts me!" I yelled at him and he stepped back away from me. "I understand why you started using drugs, I can reason with that, but I am back now. I am ready to work with you and fill that void you feel. I am here for you to confide in Mark. You don't need an unhealthy habit that hurts you and those around you." My words of rage got nowhere through to Mark as he stood emotionless in front of me. "You really think you can fix me don't you?" He laughed and let out a scoff. Tears brimmed my eyes and I wanted to cry.

Marks face held shame as he looked at me and I sensed he wanted to stop my tears. I could tell he wanted to comfort me, but he couldn't. I began to imagine a place without him here. I imagined life with Jaehyun, being peaceful and always protected from harm. I thought of a life with no worries and no sadness. All of it sounded nice, it sounded beautiful, but it was all without Mark. I had the choice to leave and live that life. I had the choice to be at peace or to be with Mark. Before I could let my mind decide its next move I managed to scramble together the words I've been meaning to say to him all along. 

"Why won't you at least let me try to fix you?"