Cartel│Mark Lee

We belong together

I sat in Marks chair in his office. It felt uncomfortable as I rested in his resigning spot. The paperwork Mark had yet to go through the past week was stacked up on his desk and I felt the urge to intrude on it. Mark laid down on a couch on the far side of his office holding his head in pain. He was not in the right headspace to be working so I decided to overtake his duties secretly as Cartel leader. I huffed and dropped the contract from my hand. My experience lacked to be deciding a bunch of matters without Marks help. I looked over to Mark who seemed to be falling asleep in front of me. He was struggling. 

Mark had been detoxing for the past week and wasn't doing well. He was aggravated and was falling ill due to the lack of use of drugs. I looked at him with a feeling of melancholy. I felt sick watching him struggle for the sake of me. In the past week we had fought every day to the point where it felt like we weren't ever going to get through this. It was the same fight over and over again. He would be harsh on me and I would blame him for everything. We were evil, both of us. We were despicable to each other and I wondered if we were strong enough to last. He would tell me to run away to Jaehyun and I would cry and threaten him that I would. It was toxic. 

Mark groaned and turned over on his side. He opened his eyes and looked to me. I took in a deep breath and continued with the over piling paperwork. "Vanessa." His voice was scratchy and worn out from all the yelling. I hummed in acknowledgment at him and kept my eyes down to the paper. "I'm sorry." He grumbled. I pursed my lips and slowly looked up to the man I secretly loved deeply. "You have nothing to be sorry for Mark. We have talked about this. You are trying to become clean and for that I should be thanking you." My voice was low as I talked to him. I felt like I was always on the verge of tipping him off. I was scared to anger him in my attempts to communicate. 

I wanted to fix Mark but he made it very clear to me that I would never be able to. Mark told me that I would never be able to make him the person I wanted him to be. As we fought and he screamed that fact to me I realized he was right. I told him that I didn't want to change him and I did not want to fix him anymore, I just wished for him to be happy. "I would do anything for you Vanessa. I will say that a million times before you believe it." Mark shut his eyes and I smiled faintly. Our relationship was up and down so it was hard to enjoy the happiness his words brought me. "I hope you are doing this for yourself Mark. For this to be real you have to fix yourself, I can't do anything." 

He didn't answer me and I bit my lip in frustration. Why did I feel like I was nagging him all the time? I felt like I was bringing him down when in reality I just wanted to bring him up out of his dark hole. Mark groaned and got up from the couch. He walked cautiously toward me and stood behind the chair. He rested his head on the top of the chair and skimmed his eyes over the contract I was holding. "Don't sign that one." His voice was hoarse and I looked up at him confused. "Send it back and ask for them to included to terms on it." He said and sighed. I nodded and put the paper to the side. I spun the chair around and got up so I was now standing in front of him. "You are a very good businessman Mark," 

I looked at him in admiration and he stood tall in front of me. He smiled at me for the first time this week and I wearily let my lips tug up into a smile as well. "I will get better Vanessa. I will get back to work and be there for you again." He nodded reassuringly at me and I stroked his face with my hand. His eyes closed at my touch like he had been craving it. "I love you." He murmured and turned his head an inch to kiss my hand. His words drove swords into my heart as I painfully looked at him. Mark and I believed in a hope where good days would follow after bad ones. I only now desired those good days after these extremely painful ones.

"When I get better I want to marry you Vanessa. That is what is keeping me going." He looked straight into my eyes and I looked at him widely. "The reason I'm becoming clean for myself is that if I stop the drugs I know you will want to be with me." He grabbed my hand softly and rubbed his rough thumb over my palm. "We have been through so much together and it just feels right with you. I know you can feel our energy, we belong together." I stayed frozen with a look of concern on my face as he continued to talk. "Listen to me, I know you think I just love you from becoming too attached to you but isn't that all apart of loving someone?" He exclaimed and I let out a breath. "I became too attached to you because I loved you." He almost laughed at the fact and I finally blinked after a long time. 

I had never told Mark I loved him before. I had always kept those words to myself because I was too scared to say them. I felt that if I confessed my feeling to him everything would become real. If I uttered those words to Mark I would never be able to take them back. I was scared of regretting my return to Mark and those three words would lock me away with him forever. He was right though, If he stopped using drugs I would want to marry him. I would want to be with him forever, but frankly he was only recovering. It had only been a week since he last used them and nothing was certain. At that moment I felt a sense of relief as I realized Mark was fixing himself piece by piece as he looked forward into his future. He was fixing himself in hopes of keeping me. "You will be my wife one day Vanessa. I will make sure of that."