The Fall of Izaya Orihara

Chapter 27

Izaya's POV

I woke up a while later to a dishevelled brute slamming open my door, the door creaking on it hinges from the force. He looked worried, dashing to my side and inspecting every inch of me. After a moment I pulled away from him, raising a brow.
Shizu-chan glowered at me suspiciously, before deducing that I was alright. He took a deep breath before sighing heavily, the mattress shifted from his weight as he sat down. "There was blood...on the floor near your desk. What happened, are you alright?" He asked, his voice wavering, worried and trying not to yell. I gave him a shrug, "I tripped, tore some stitches. I took care of it.."
I felt numb emotionally, my mind blank, a strand feeling. It was as though I had just exited out of my emotions, like a computer tab.
I spoke robotically, the mask program not responding, not pushing any fake feeling into my voice in it's usual fashion when the emotions were shut off.
Shizuo clearly wasn't used to this, and didn't know what was wrong with me. My crimson gaze empty.
He stared at me for a bit, and I stared back, subconsciously focusing on his honey bourbon orbs.
He exited my room, and I could hear his footsteps thudding loudly against the laminate flooring as he paced. I heard him speaking on the phone, the insane doctor on the other end I'm sure.

"It's the Flea, something's wrong...I think."
"No nothing physical from the looks of it...he's just acting strange?"
"Like a robot, he's just shut off, I'm not sure how to explain it..."
"Disso- what? What is that?"
"What do you mean there's nothing I can do about it?!" His voice raised to a quiet shout.
"It happens after someone goes through trauma, a symptom of pstd? I mean it checks out...I thought only soldiers got that?"
I internally snickered at that, no way did I have that, this doctor was crazier than I thought.
"Oh."
"Yeah I'll keep an eye on him until you get here, thanks I guess."

The phone call ended with a beep, and the house went quite. I unconsciously got up and out of bed, entering the living area. Shizuo blinked at me in surprise, it seemed I was surprising him a lot these days. I went to the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee. I waited for it to finish before pouring myself a cup. I sat down on the couch, taking a sip of the steaming bitter liquid before placing the mug on the coffee table.
Shizuo was staring at his phone, certainly looking up whatever diagnosis the doctor had decided on. He turned to me, before asking me a series of questions.

"Do you feel anything right now?" I shook my head.
"Do you remember what happened?" I shook my head, not knowing what he was referring to.
"Do you know who I am?" I nodded, what a stupid question, of course I know who he is. He's Shizuo, my enemy.
"Do you know who you are?" I shrugged, before speaking. "I know my name, yes. And what I do for a living. But I do not feel like me. I do not feel anything." My response sounded automated, like an answering machine.
"Has this happened before, you just, shut off?" I nodded again. "Usually I am able to hide it, with a mask. I fake my emotions and continue on as normal. Today, the mask program isn't responsing."
Shizuo looked at me confused, "Mask Program? Are you a computer now or something, Flea?"
I shrugged again, "I suppose you could say that."

There was a knock at my door, and I got up to answer it. I opened to reveal the doctor, his eyes scanning over me before entering the apartment.
He sat down in the chair opposite of the couch, staring into me.
"So, Izaya. What is happening to you right now is called Dissociation. It is caused by trauma, and at this point I can confidently say you have PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder."
He pulled out a file, opening it up and writing down a few things before continuing. "Has this happened before?" I nodded, ignoring that Shizuo had just asked me the same things. I answered every question the best I could in this state.
"Now, I'm going to ask you some other things. Shizuo, I'm going to have to ask you to remain quiet. Izaya, It might break you out of it, it might not. You might not even remember currently. But these are some things I need to know." I nodded, not having much of a choice but to cooperate.

"Did you experience any trauma as a child? What was your relationship with your parents like?"
"Shirou and Kyouko weren't around much. A loveless marriage kept together by their own greed for the others money. They never showed me love or affection, I was only punished. The punishment never varied, always the same no matter the infraction."
Shinra nodded, as he continued to write down things on the paper.
"What were the punishments?"
"From Kyouko it would be starving me, slapping me, and berating me. From Shiruo it was that but worse you could say. Beating me until I was black and blue. Tearing me down and telling me I was a mistake, and I should die, things like that."
Shinra nodded, and I continued.
"When my sisters were born, I was completely ignored and tossed aside. At that point I thought that abuse was love, as I'd never been shown it. I turned my sisters into the monsters they are now as revenge. I regret it, seeing as it's not their fault I was born a mistake."

Shinra asked another question when I went quiet.
"Did any other trauma happen to you in the past?"
"I had attempted suicide many times leading up to graduation, hence my frequent absence from school. No very major trauma happened until I was scouted by the Awakusu. I was first raped by them when I was 15, during my initiation, Shiki being the one to take my virginity. He was the main one to rape me until I went to university, I assume he got bored of me. I was still confused, and thought that their sexual abuse was love. I only realized it was wrong when observing the love between other humans. Which is why I would often secretly sabotage them, but when they found out they'd just rape me again to put me in my place. I also work with the police, but not even the police by themselves can stand against the Awakusu. During all of this, Shizuo Heiwajima was the only creature to actually make me feel alive. I fell in love with him at first sight, but didn't like the feeling so I forced myself to hate him. And now here we are. And I'm assuming I was raped again which is why I am again in this state."

Shinra looked slightly shocked at my confession, and finished his writing. Shizuo looked even more shocked than the doctor, and I could see tears at the corners of his eyes. I watched the gears turn in his head, and quickly his expression soured to one of rage. "I'll kill them...I'll kill all of those who hurt you..." His angry muttering was halted by Shinra, "Don't bother, they aren't worth it."
I took another drink of my coffee, it was cold now, but I didn't care.
I stared off into space, my mind still an emotionless void.

Shinra left a while later after talking to the brute, and the apartment was quiet.