Guard the Heart

Kabanata 47

KABANATA 47

Alam

Tinulak ko ang dibdib niya at pilit na bumaba. His grip just tightened around me. I am wriggling violently.

"Put me down!" Mukha na akong si Satheyrn na nagta-tantrums. "Ibaba mo ako! Ano ba!"

"Stop moving, mahuhulog ka," madiin niyang sabi.

I laughed mockingly.

"Wala akong pakialam! Juancho, ibaba mo ako!"

Kinalmot ko ang mukha niya. His jaw clenched and he glared at me.

"Santina!" Galit na siya.

He stopped walking. Nagsukatan kami ng tingin.

"What?" he leered.

I pursed my lips. Hot tears are forming on the side of my eyes. "B-bakit mo ginawa 'yon?"

Tumiim ang labi niya sabay nag-iwas ng tingin. I slapped his face. Mas lalong nag-igting ang panga niya.

"Bakit, Juancho!?" I said desperately.

"Let's talk some other time," marahan niyang sabi at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad.

"Bakit hindi ngayon?" hamon ko.

'Para saan pa ba?' I asked myself. What's the sense of asking about the past? Hindi ko rin talaga maintindihan ang sarili ko. Maybe I am just trying to cure the ache in my chest. Baka sakaling kapag narinig ko mismo sa kanya ang sagot, hindi na ako masasaktan.

But the question here is, why I am hurting? Why am I crying for fuck's sake?!

"I still need to sort things out." He drew a deep breath.

Narating namin ang cabin. He put me down on the first step of our cabin's front stoop. Silence stretched between us. I am looking at his face, trying to figure out what he is thinking right now. It makes me wonder, hindi man lang siya tinatablan ng lamig. Samantalang halos mangatog na ako.

"Get inside now."

I ignored his words.

"M-minahal mo talaga ako, 'di ba?... 'Di ba?"

Suminghap ako. The coldness of my soaked clothes made me shiver.

Again, Santina, what is this for? Ano ba talaga ang ipinaglalaban mo?

Umawang ang labi niya. He shut his eyes tight like this is making him problematic. Namumungay ang mga mata niya nang muli siyang dumilat. His gaze found mine.

"I did... Please, get inside now... or you'll catch a cold."

I snorted. "You're so good at it... so damn good." Tumiim ang labi ko. "You have a sweet tongue but venomous."

Umiling ako at mapait na ngumiti. Of course, I know why I am doing this; why am I being like this. But I want to deny it. Nagpapakatanga na naman ako. It's the old desperate Santina again, knocking.

Tears roll down my face. It just dawned on me, well actually no, I have always known about this. Pinili ko lang huwag alalahanin. And it did help that I was away from him, mas madali kasing itanggi. Years passed but it never changed, it was still him. I am still fucking in love with him.

"I'm sorry..." anas niya.

"If you're really sorry... will you stay away? I-I... don't want to see you a-again."

Matagal niya akong tinitigan.

"Do you mean it?"

I opened my mouth to say yes, but I just can't. No word came out. My lips remained parted as I cry. I feel like my heart is literally being torn apart.