Guard the Heart

Kabanata 49

KABANATA 49

Wholly

I was reluctant to do what he said but I figured out this will be a long talk. Umupo ako sa tabi niya, making sure that there's a big distance between us. I played with my fingers as I anticipate him to talk. Ano pa ba ang pwede kong malaman, aside from what they told me?

"Where do you want me to start?"

I shrugged my shoulder. Hindi ko rin alam.

"They already told you, right?"

I drifted my gaze from my fingers on my lap to him, who is watching me.

"I want to hear it from you."

"A'right."

I don't know what the difference will be if it comes from him. Ganoon din naman iyon. May hindi pa ba sila sinasabi? But then again, what will be the difference considering the situation we are in now? Isn't it too late?

"I'm sorry."

I was caught off guard. Hindi ko naisip na iyon ang una niyang salita. My heart throbbed. I pursed my lips and caught my breath.

"For the tears you shed and for breaking your heart." At kahit ako naman ang nasaktan bakas sa mga mata niya ang sakit. "I am sorry for scarring your good heart, Santina."

Just damn it!

"But it's the only way I know to save you from further pain... you see, you are the best thing that happened to me... I can't afford to see you hurt just because of me when you are my everything. I want to protect you."

"P-Protect me?" I muffled. "Damn, why would I need it?"

"You were just reaching your dreams, starting to experience the world and I can't be a hindrance to you. I was dying, and you don't need to revolve your world around me."

"Tinanong mo ba ako?!" I hissed, angry at his words. Bumuhos na rin ang luha kahit akala ko tapos na akong umiyak para sa parehong rason.

His brows knitted. Bahagyang tumiim ang panga niya.

"Tinanong mo ba ako, huh, Juancho? Did you fucking ask me?... Hindi! You just pushed me away!" I was hissing and my tears are making it hard for me to speak. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions since I saw him again after a long time. Mabuti at nagagawa pang kayanin iyon ng puso ko.

He smiled faintly. "This is why I don't want you involved."

"I-I was your girlfriend! I want to be there for you... Ang unfair mo lang eh, you always protect me! Inalagaan mo ako! You gave me everything! But why didn't you let me take care of you! Don't you trust me?!" Ang pagiging kalmado ay nawala na sa isip ko. Heck, I wasn't even mindful that I am already raising my voice.

He shook his head, looking miserable just as I am.

"I saw how you changed yourself just for me... and I don't want that. I don't want you to choose me over your dreams. Fuck, even if I want you all for myself!... Why didn't you tell me about your offer in Singapore?"

Natigilan ako. How come he knows about it? Hindi ko kailan man iyon sinabi sa kanya at baka lalo lang niya akong itulak palayo.

"You didn't accept it because of me, right? Napabayaan mo ang trabaho mo and even your goals dahil lang sa akin... You knew I was bad for you, but you chose to stay. I don't want that."

Hindi ko siya maintindihan! Ayokong intindihin.

"Santina, all I want for you is to reach every dream you have. Not my sickness, not me should be the hindrance of it. Do you understand me?" He cupped my face. "What could have happened if you knew?"