Guard the Heart

Kabanata 53

KABANATA 53

Dessert

May pamilyar na pakiramdam na hatid ng kuwarto niya. That's of course, this room holds such a special memory. Dito siya kumanta ng para sa'kin. It was when he became really open about his feelings for me.

A small smile broke into my lips seeing Satheryn, although sleeping peacefully, nakahawak pa rin kay Juancho na parang sinisigurong hindi ito mawawala pagkagising niya.

"Can't sleep?" Juancho whispered softly. He threaded a few of Satheryn's loose hair while glancing at the both of us.

Not that I can't, pero ayaw ko pa munang matulog. I want to cherish the night. Hindi pa rin kasi ako lubusang makapaniwala na posible ito. May monting kaba sa dibdib ko na baka ilusyon lang ito.

"Mayamaya siguro."

He blew one light breath kaya napatingin ulit ako sa kanya.

"We could have been this way... a long time ago," aniya, kalmado man may sakit pa rin doon.

I felt a pang of pain in my chest. Sumasang-ayon ako sa sinabi niya. Despite the overwhelming pain and anger towards him noon, ilang beses pa ring sumagi sa akin that maybe he'll be knocking at our door and be back again... sa Juancho na handang ibigay ang lahat sa'kin. At sa kabila ng sakit at galit, bumalik lang siya tatanggapin ko pa rin siya. He might be the cause of my pain, pero siya pa rin naman ang may kayang gamutin iyon.

"I could have stayed up late with you when she's not feeling well..."

"Juancho," malumanay kong tawag. "Things have fallen into place now."

"I don't know how long will I be haunted by what ifs."

Tumango ako at sinupil saglit ang paghinga sa paninikip ng dibdib ko.

"Ako rin... But as long as we have tomorrow we can work on that. Pwede pang pawiin ang mga hindi nagawa sa nakaraan."

"I will everyday be sorry for causing you pain while you selflessly carry the fruit of our love, Santina."

I swallowed hard. Nag-init ang sulok ng mga mata ko. I watch his eyes turn bloodshot.

"If that pain paid for your life... then it's worth it, Juancho. If it means I'll have you... we have you by our side now... pinapatawad kita."

Kumunot ang noo niya, may konting kalituhan sa mga mata.

"Dahil kung hindi tayo nagkahiwalay at nalaman mong buntis ako... maybe you're not here with us right now. I know you, Juancho, mas uunahin mo ako, kami kesa ang magpagaling. And I can't afford to lose you then, baka pa pati ang anak natin mawala dahil hindi ko kayang alagaan ang sarili ko."

Kaya tama lang ang lahat, hindi man katanggap tanggap at may dala pa ring sakit but it's paid now. It is done. Nandito na kami. Maitatama na ang mga pagkakamali.

Magaan niyang inabot ang mukha ko. He caresses my face his eyes finally give up and shed the tears it holds.

"I want to be a better man for you and a better father to Satheryn... Help me."

I shut my eyes and gave a nod.

This feels like finally coming home after a long, long day. A tiring day. A day full of pain and misery.