To Be Child of God [A Merome Story]

✧Chapter 28✧

It was a difficult transition, moving into this new life. I found grief overwhelmed me far too often and I shut down for hours or even days at a time, the knowledge of my family behind me and my sister and niece no longer on earth too much to bear. Sometimes it was about the loss of my sister, but I found the more predominant feelings were surrounding my leaving.

It was easier to accept the loss of Faith. I was still in denial, lost and scared, but I had the knowledge I needed to accept it. She was dead, yet my family was not. I was dead to them- if they got what they wanted, I would never see any of my siblings again. I somehow doubted that all of my parents children would remain, my leaving making it easier for them to follow, but there were some who would remain. I would not see them again.

Jerome found it easier adjusting. He had already been accepted into a position where Rob and Preston worked, a trade job as a carpenter. Jerome was delighted to tell me that almost all the men who left worked there, the business finding them already skilled and knowledgeable in their profession. He fit right in, and came home with happy stories of those living new lives in the world.

The next big step was moving from Vikk's house into our own apartment. Well- it wasn't our own, it was actually Preston's place right next door to Rob and Grace's apartment, but he had a spare room that he invited us to use.

"I practically live in Rob and Grace's place anyway." He had said with a smile, as he took the one box of my belongings from my arms. "It's easier with the kids around to distract myself."

Quietly, I had told him of the first ten months of his sons life. He had been gone for over a year now, Terah having been only four months along with their child when he left. I told him about how Gabriel was a kind father, but how Caleb would not know he had a different father from his siblings. He had accepted it without asking further questions, but he was withdrawn for the next few days.

Our new room was blank, painted white and furnished only with a bed and drawers. It reminded me too much of the room we had had back there.

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Leah ran back and forth across the room, waving some small plastic toy as she did so. The little girl was almost three years old now, Eve had just turned two and Ethan, who had been born on the outside, was only a month away from his first birthday. Grace watched them fondly, the sleeves of her sweater rolled up to her elbows.

She seemed to have embraced this new life. She wasn't working, she was a full time mother to her children, but her dress and language had switched to that of worldly people.

Curled up on a chair in her living room, her life seemed picture perfect. She was free from the bonds the community placed on her, she had a loving, wonderful husband and three beautiful children and seemed content in what she had in front of her. She had an idea of her future might be. But I was here, pregnant and scared with no idea of the path ahead of me.

"How do you do it?" I asked quietly, watching as her kids ran back and forth. "How do you not just... break down?"

"It isn't that simple Mitch." She said, reaching over to pull me closer. I was sitting on the floor leaning against the couch, and she moved me so I was leaning against her legs. Threading her fingers through my now short hair, she continued to talk. "It's never been simple. I've been trying to keep it calm for the little ones, but it really is turmoil."

She sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"It was never easy, but neither us felt like we could stay. What if one of my girls turned out to be like Lachlan or you? What if they wanted further education, or didn't want to get married? What if they didn't want kids? Rob and I just couldn't stay with all those questions on our minds. It was never, never, an easy decision but it had to made for our kids and our own mental health, if I'm being honest."

Cradling Ethan against her, the young boy sleeping soundly, she continued.

"I do it for the kids. They need a stable mother to introduce them to this strange new world and even though I don't know this place very well, I'm going to try my best. We've got Vikk and Lachlan if we need, and Preston and Rob have been getting out more. It's all for the kids."

"So what do I do?" I asked. "I'm scared. I don't know how to care for this child, I don't know what to do! What if... what if I can't do it?"

Grace smiled. "If you can't, then we'll be here. You've been through a lot Mitch, I don't blame you if you find yourself unable to be a mother to your child. If you ever find yourself unable to do it, if you need a break or some time away from this reality, then know that I am there for you."

"Thank you Grace." I murmured. "I think I'm going to need it."

"Of course. We all need support, we're all here for each other, but it's also important to get help from someone who can see it from another perspective. We're all seeing therapists, if not for the sake of our children."

"I- I suppose it could help. For Faith."

"For both your sister and your baby- she would want you to be happy Mitch, even if she truly believed in the rule. She would not want you to be miserable."

"No. She wouldn't."

If I was going to be happy for anyone, it was going to my sister. I would live for her. I would live for her and my sister and Jerome and Rob and Grace and Preston and Lachlan and Leah and Eve and Ethan and Vikk. For my lost siblings who might one day join me.

For my Faith's.