Tears to a better life

Chapter Fifteen

Major warning depressing and panic attacks please read at your own risk

~~~

Waking up from a nightmare, has to be the most relieving but stressful thing. Your done picturing the horrible stuff, but you feel that everything is out to get you. Unfortunately, this was a recap of every horrible thing that has gone on in my life. So of course, I woke up screaming and thrashing. I wanted to stop, I really did, but fear wouldn't let me. I kept seeing flashes of people being tortured. Of people I let die. Plus more. People who have not yet died. But in your nightmare died by your hand. Or your hands being tied and not being able to aid them.

Then I realized.

I wasn't screaming of fear. I was screaming because of pain. Of pain I inflicted on others. Pain I felt from moments of torture. Pain in forms of death. Pain that racks your body, but no harm is done. Your body is whole, but pain is drowning you. I screamed. Trying and trying to get rid of it.

Suddenly the door burst open. The sound of weapons hitting the floor was heard. Then there were arms holding me down. They felt like the hands of my torturers. Of the torturer of my loved ones. Which one made me scream harder and thrash more. " Percy. Percy! Percy!"

Hey, I know that voice. That's Dick. But he's dead. Is he?

The dreams and reality were mixing. Was Dick dead? Did I let him die? Or was he alive? Trying to help me?

I stopped my screaming, to let out a soft and shaking word, " No."

" No," I mutter out, " He's dead. They're all dead."

" Hey, no no no, we're still alive. Percy-"

The door slammed open, scaring me into another fit. All I heard was the door slamming open into my torture chamber. Fear spread through me like electricity. I sent myself to shake in the corner. This shake, was full of fear.  Fear of the pain.

" No, no, no, no, no." I wanted to sink into the shadows. To leave this place. To meet my mom, maybe.

" Nice going, Batsy." Jason said.

" Boys," Bruce said in a concerned but gentle voice.

The boys left the room. But they were still standing by the door. Listening in, watching me. They're always watching. Now they were watching me hyperventilate. I wasn't sobbing anymore. Bruce walked forward, trying to be gentle. " Percy, look at me. I'm not going to hurt you."

I wasn't fully listening. The screams of the dead, ringing in my ears. Someone scooted closer to me. My brain was too overwhelmed to focus on one thing. I was vaguely aware of Bruce, the storm that started and the boys watching. Someone put their hand on my knee, my mind went to my mom. She always put her hand on my knee to calm me. Or get me to talk. Or to comfort me.

Suddenly, my eyes focused on Bruce. He was alive!

I broke down sobbing, with a mix of relief and grief passed through me. Bruce saw my breakthrough of aimless terror, thus pulling me into the hug. " Bruce?"

~~~

I was sitting in the shower, my knees hugged to my chest. The world seems distant and I felt numb. I didn't want to talk about it. The horrors that were drug up from the bottom of my mind were too overwhelming. They made me fear myself. The water was calming, but did nothing to fully take the shake and the paralyzing screams away. I was too stunned to take my clothes off, so my clothes clung to me.

Suddenly, a knock rang out. Followed by a familiar voice. " Hey, Perc? You okay?"

I didn't say anything, mostly because I didn't trust my voice. So I just sat there, hoping that he would come in, or go away. After a minute of me not answering, " Percy, you got to answer me. You've been in there a long time."

There was a long pause. " I'm going to come in if you don't talk to me or something."

After another minute the door opened to reveal Dick with his hand on his eyes. He shut the door, got a towel and then he traced the wall to find the glass shower wall. Opening the door, he checks the floor with his foot to make sure he doesn't run into me. He shut the water off and threw a towel down in the spot he touched me with his foot. " Please, cover her up, please cover her up."

When he opens his eyes to find me fully dressed, soaking wet, staring up at him with tears running down my face, I couldn't quite place the emotion. First he seemed a mix of frustrated and embarrassed, then the over protective brother phase was brought on. He quickly kneeled, wrapped me in a towel, and pulled me into a hug. " Shhh, it's okay."

We stayed that way for at least an hour, while I told him little snippets of the nightmare I had. " You died. They all did. It was my fault. I could've save you."

" We're live. We are perfectly fine. We are live and well," He pauses, to hold me to his chest and make sure I was okay, " Ok, Alfred can reheat the lunch. Let's go get changed, yeah?"

He pulled me up and out of the bathroom, then sat me on the bed. He quickly chose a short sleeved white shirt, with a pair of ripped jeans. He threw a black jacket to side, " I don't know if these match, but here's some clothes, I'll be outside when your done."

I don't remember changing clothes. Not opening the door. Not pulling Dick into a hug. Not pulling away. Not walking to the table. Not having food put in front of me. Only excusing myself to go for a walk.

I push my chair away from the table and stand up. Dick shot up with me, " I'll go with you."

I shake my head, " No."

He nods, but doesn't sit back down. I can feel his eyes as I leave the room and head for the door. Titus, Damians dog, came running up to me. The Great Dane wagged his tail, thinking he was going for a walk, " Not now, Titus."

After walking down the street, I felt numb. Would this ever get better? Or will it be this way until I die? Or I end it myself?

My feet took me places while my mind was elsewhere. Reliving those screams and nightmares. The ones that will forever stop me from sleeping peacefully. The ones that haunt my life when I'm awake. The ones that are always lurking in my brain. Always.

Suddenly I ran into a man. I started to fall backwards but a hand gripped my wrist, preventing me from failing. I was pulled back to my feet, and I brushed past the boy muttering an apology.

" Percy?" A familiar voice called out.

Turning around, I found Wally looking at me. He was smiling, but that melted away into confusion. Loosely gripping both my wrist, pulling me a foot away from him, " What's the rush?"

The corner of my lips turned up, even for a second. Rolling my eyes, " That was stupid."

" Yeah, what are you going to do about it?" He asks tauntingly.

I shrug, " I don't know. I have to get going."

I start to walk off but he catches me by the arm that we're trying to hide away in my pockets with my hands from the cold. He pulled my into a hug, " I felt like you needed this."

I sniff, " I did."

" I really did."

1292 words

5/12/20

I just wanna give a big thanks, to somanyfandompuns for the new cover! I love it!

Sorry it took me so long to update, quarantine sucks and I'm tired of it.

ALSO! This is definitely going to be more depressing from here, like not major self harm but definitely some, and then there are probably going to be more stress stuff and hopefully I can capture that well enough, so here's a warning.

Pieces Angels