Tears to a better life

Chapter Thirty-Six

Self harm warning and abuse
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Before my mom disappeared into thin air for the second time, I froze my memory at a time when she was just standing there. She had a hand on my cheek and was looking at me lovingly. I went and stood in the place of my younger self, meaning I had to bend my knees quite a bit. I had to admit it was weird to look through my memories through a third person perspective, but it would be easier to look away from parts.

I could my feel my moms hand on my face, and I could picture her smile and stress wrinkles. Not even daring to mess with her beauty. She had slight circles under her eyes, with streaks of grey in her wavy hair. Her blue eyes changed colors in the light, but they were still striking. I could see the love in her eyes and I wanted to stay like this forever. But she wasn't even with me in real life so I could capture this moment one last time.

I was gone for her last moment, not even being able to be there for it. Not even being able to say goodbye. She died never knowing how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her putting up with my shit. She never complained and she stayed with Gabe for my safety, not even caring about herself. I still remember the day I went up to her and said I wanted to be just like her, caring for everyone and loving everyone. Mom almost broke down in tears.

I took a deep breathe and stepped away from my mom, I looked back at the team to find them all looking at the ground, trying to give me my moment. I closed my eyes for a brief second, then opened my eyes to let the memory play.

The team slowly lifted their heads after they heard the minotaur yell. I stood facing away from the scene, trying to block out my moms yells for me to go away. I looked at Thalia's tree, trying to find the spot that got burned the year after. I heard my self screaming, and the team gasp, and I softly felt the gold dust from my mom. I hated this part and ever since I got deaged, this was in my dreams as well as the car crash I was never in.

Wally came and hugged me from behind as I watched ten year old me drag herself down the hill and land on the deck. Chiron and Andrew leaned over me, then it faded out. When the blackness seeped away from my memory, I was laying in the bed.

~~~

Everyone, besides Conner and myself, had puffy eyes and were all hanging onto someone while they watched me slide over the edge, trying to catch something to hold onto. I forced Andrew up, after finding a thin foot hold. Using the last of my strength, I made sure he was up over the edge, then I feel into the darkness. It faded away when the black was gone, I was sitting with the seven, Nico and Reyna having lunch. I was still scratched up, pale, and terrified but everything was as good as it could get.

" What was down there?" Dick asked, obviously knowing that I skipped over the part.

I looked in his eyes, the scene around us flickered, the green grass turned into black, broken chards. The blue sky turned into red, acid smoky sky. Instead of fifteen years old me sitting with my friends, I was alone. Lying on the floor coughing up blood. In a split second it was back to the green grass and blue sky. And I only had one reply, " Hell."

Wally went up to give me a hug, but I turned away. I didn't want pity and I didn't want to be hugged right now. I wanted to finish this up and lock myself in my room for a few days and hope they forget about it. They had seen everything, from holding up the sky, to Luke killing himself. Now we were on the worst part of my life. Literal hell.

There was no other way to describe it. I was alone, my only food source was fire, and I basically died ten times over. I felt a few tears in my eyes, just trying to forget. I sat down the ground, since the memory moved with me we didn't have to walk. I picked at my shoelaces, hopping to finish this quickly. Since the worst part of my life is over, I didn't have to pay attention to anything so I could skip over it. They already knew it, besides some people's secret identities but I got permission to tell them.

I felt two pairs of arms around me and I looked around to see my first time cutting myself. It was the first week after I got placed with Crackhead Karen and she just slapped me for the first time. I was already depressed with my mom, but slapping me sent it over the edge. But I didn't go easy for the first time either, I went all out. For some reason it didn't hurt as much as I though it did. I used my razor so it took some time getting used to putting pressure on it and going about the wrist. The first few were only little scratches, until I figured it out. It still wasn't as deep as I would hoped at the time, but it would had to do for the moment. I poured a bit of water on my wrist just to help it scab over. I tore my eyes away from the fifteen year old girl I used to know and leaned into Wally and Dick.

I wanted to start sobbing, knowing that this isn't even the worst part of this part of my life. Just thinking about it, made the bathroom change into the bank vault. Now that I thought about it, they didn't need to see all of that. They only needed to see the end of the war. I paused the memory, " Alright," I croaked out, probably after a few hours of not talking and the slight crying I did, " This is your stop."

Megan nodded and pulled us out of the memory. We all sat back in the circle, then Megan collapsed onto the floor. She started crying, taking on all of the pain and the suffering I went through, not to mention using her powers for hours on end. I pulled her into a hug, cradling her head, " Shh, it will be alright. Everything is fine."

Well, that was a fucking lie, because I could already feel the panic attack and the nightmares this brought up.

1144 words

12/1/20

Well, I just wanna say... that was not what I had planned at all. And I'm sorry about the f bomb, it just kinda happened and I was like ehh. Anyway, please down attack me. Did I tell you I'm sorry?

Pieces Angels