Falling Irrevocably

39th

Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss

🎶I'll Never Love Again
by Lady Gaga

39th

When it rains, indeed, it pours.

Sometimes I asked myself, what have I done from my past life to deserve this one? Isn't it too much? Kulang pa ba na ubos na ubos ako? Kulang pa ba na durog na durog ako?

And I wonder, how can my heart overcome, or will it able overcome everything? Maybe yes, maybe no. I don't know. How about my shattered soul?

They told me I was really strong mentally. I overcame depression and bravely went to a mental institution to heal. Now, I took everything without even breaking down. I took it with a stoic face. I did not even cry but I guess my tears already run out. Wala na. Walang wala na. Kahit gusto ko pa umiyak, gusto kong magwala dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman. I remained my composure and became silent. Wala na rin kasi akong masabi.

Gusto kong manumbat sa Kanya. Hindi ba niya naririnig ang mga dasal ko? Wala ba siyang awa sa akin kasi sobra na ang mga nangyari, kulang pa ba? Minsan iniisip ko hindi na rin totoo ang Diyos.

Nasaan kasi siya nung kailangan na kailangan ko siya? Nasaan siya? Nagbingi-bingihan kaya ito sa pagmamakaawa ko?

Yet I don't want to be like that. I will not become a pure evil. Hinding hindi ako tutulad kay Celine na nilamon ng poot at kasamaan na umabot sa puntong iyon ang lahat.

Hinding hindi ako gagaya sa anak ni Senator Hernandez na porket may kapangyarihan at pera ay kinaya na nitong kontrolin ang mga buhay ng tao, gumawa ng labag sa batas at pwedeng tumakas. He acted like a God himself.

Some people have done evilness, not because they want it, but because they have a reason to do it. Like what the quote says that the ends justify the means. Mali ang pamamaraan pero mabuti ang dahilan. Sana ganuon na nga lang eh. Matatanggap ko pa.

But no.

What they have done was pure evilness. It was inhumane. And it affected me, my fucking life.

I badly wanted to give up. Pagod na ako, pagod na pagod na. Honestly, the idea of suicide came into my mind from time to time. I just want to end everything because I can't handle it anymore.

Yet with a million reasons to do it, I just need one reason to not think of it, to stop myself from doing it. One fucking good reason to stay alive, to keep fighting this harsh world and to conquer life.

Mababasura ang milyong rason kung bakit gusto mo tapusin ang buhay mo kung mayroon kay isang rason, isang pinakamabigat na rason para mabuhay.

"You're twelve weeks pregnant, Mrs. Del Vecchio,"

Like a déjà vu, I found myself in a clinic, with an OB Gyne in front of me telling me I'm pregnant. Again.

I felt scared instantly. Takot ako na mangyari muli ang dati sa pagbubuntis ko. But I have to think optimistically. With my situation, a blessing still came into my life. I felt genuine happiness as my hand caress my still flat stomach.

And for the first time in two months, I felt my hot tears falling down from eyes. Iba't ibang emosyon ang nararamdaman ko. Saya, lungkot, takot, pagkadismaya, hindi dahil na dumating ito kung hindi dahil sayang...

The doctor immediately gave me a bottle of water. Tinanggap ko naman ito at ininom para pakalmahin ang sarili ko. Nanginig ang mga kamay ko, namamanhid ang buong katawan ko.