The Fire Within

I loved him.

At least, I thought I did.

I loved him. Even as he pounded the love out of me relentlessly on many secret nights and caressed it back to life on the quietest of mornings. I still loved him.

As he took my heart and smashed it into pieces, with intentional strokes that surely came from the deepest pits that he is king of. I still loved him.

As he looked me in my face, after reaching the highest peaks known to man, and said, "I'm just not feeling this no more". I loved him.

At least I thought I did.

I learned to love the idea of him.

He was never my own and I was never his.

I love him. I really do.

As he awaits for my sister's entrance into the hall, beautifully decorated to showcase their love. I love him more. As he says his vows to a counterfeit. She'll never be me, but maybe that's for the better.

I love him. I loved him. I have love for him.

At least I thought I did. Until I realized I was one of many, including my sister, who had fallen prey to the whims of a sinful man.

I loved him.

Until I didn't.

I hated him.

As he broke me, and tore me to shreds because of the life we had unknowingly created. I hated him. As he continued that life with my sister, painted a picture so beautiful, God himself would be amazed at the talent.

I hated him. As that life left me in the richest reds, no camera could ever capture. I hated him. As he then added my sisters broken heart to his collection.

I hated him. I hated him. I HATE him.

Of that, I am certain.

I will hate him as his freedom is traded for eternity in a gilded cage, fit for the king of beasts. I will hate him as I watch my sister's body and that of the lives they created go back to the Earth. Her mind too fragile to decipher truth and lies. I will hate him as our family blames me for sins of the mother who taught me no better. I simply followed in her footsteps, wanting to be like her. I will hate him.

I HATE HIM!

Of that I'm certain.

I hate him. Even as another tries to find love in the hollow nature of my being.

I hate him. But I love him. I have love for him.

My greatest lesson was learned.

My greatest lesson was lived.

And yet here stands my newest lesson, in the next chapter of my life, waiting to be written in the forgotten notebook of my soul.

My newest lesson, saying words my ears yearned to hear, my heart longed to dance for and my soul needed to burn for. The first words written in that forgotten notebook says, "I love you. Please let me love you".

My newest lesson wants me to love. I have loved. At least I thought I did. I have nothing left to give. Nothing of worth. All my hate and love is locked up, in a gilded cage. I hope he rots.

I want to learn this new lesson so badly. I want to understand the material that will be taught. I am able to understand Spanish, French on a good day and if I really focus, Portuguese.

But this language is the most foreign I've ever heard. How do you say love? What is it? Apparently I never knew what it was.

He sharpened many pencils to write words that I had to define. He used many paint brushes to paint pictures so precise, God must've given him his very own hands.

Now, I love him. My newest lesson, my next chapter and soon to be my epilogue. The words that he is writing in my forgotten notebook, have rewired my whole being. I'm learning day by day, as I've always been a fast learner.

Now, I love him. Of that I am certain. As I take my walk into the garden blooming with our love for the world to see, eating of all the fruits except the one. Adam and Eve would be jealous of us regaining entry.

Now I love him. Words that hold meaning come out of that notebook and through my mouth. I say the words he taught me, the lessons he showed me and tears stream down our faces. This is love, my heart, body and soul agree.

I no longer think on how to love but I feel it in every waking moment. I know what love is. I know how to say it. I feel it in the passionate strokes, fueling an all consuming fire that keeps me warm at night and energized through the day. I feel it in the caress of the morning light on my skin followed by silken lips that meet my own in an explosion of colors behind closed eyes, the windows to my soul. The windows open and beckon to their neighbor to climb inside and have their fill.

I feel it in the life that is knowingly created after many unrestrained, passionate moments. I feel it in the way the life moves within me and he circles arms of everlasting strength around me to say, "Thank you". It is I who should be thanking him.

I see it in the way our life grows and more lives come, adding to the love I never knew I could contain. It overflows, my cup is surely running over. A new book is written. The notebook is no longer forgotten.

Now I love him. Forever and always. The fire within never diminishes in its strength, warmth and life giving energy.

I love him. I really do. Of this I am certain.

Heller! How are you? Hope this finds you well.😁

My first little short or whatever. I'm excited!!

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Leave some thoughts, and see you in the next one💖