district 17 | svt

ID NUMBER 359

Believe me, I really wanted to speak up for myself.

I wanted to prove the District wrong.

I wanted to show them that I can talk to people, that I can communicate with others.

My body just wouldn't do as I said.

I do have the ability to speak. I tried talking to myself in the mirror several times, and I could carry out sentences easily. However, when it came to talking to other people, I would freeze up. I'd try to open my mouth and say a few words, but something inside my body would let me. Like there was this feeling of fear deep down inside me, pressuring me not to say a word.

I wanted to speak.

But mentally, I was too scared to, no matter how hard I tried.

When we were younger and first taking medication, our instructors told us that the pills we took helped us and made us healthier. It would make you feel better, strengthen you. As a child, I thought that meant it would help me with my speech problem. So I took it the first day it was given to us.

I still couldn't speak.

Sure, the pills gave me vitamins and a boost to my immune system, but they couldn't help me. I was perfectly healthy; I didn't need the stupid vitamin pills. After a failed one-day trial of pill consumption, I decided never to take them again.

Those pills were useless.

I also had a roommate once. His name was Seungkwan. He was a bright, cheerful boy—blonde hair, brown eyes, naturally puffed up cheeks, and a smile that could make someone's day.

He was really understanding when it came to my "speech problem." He'd ask me easy question whenever we talked, ones that I could respond with by nodding for yes or shaking my head for no. When they weren't yes or no questions, they were simply one-sided small-talk conversations. He would talk about his day, or gossip about the food, sometimes even crack a joke every now and then. It was like he didn't mind being the one always talking.

The closer we got, the more comfortable I felt around him. When we'd talk in our dorm, I'd smile and listen intently to his stories; I'd laugh at all of his sarcastic remarks and stupid jokes. In return, he'd give me a satisfied smile and carry on with his stories.

"You know, I like your laugh," He once told me, "It's really...genuine. Makes me feel better."

I remember feeling slightly embarrassed at his compliment, my face flushing red. I looked the other way so that he couldn't see. My hands were slightly shaking, urging me to say something, anything.

"Thanks," I mumbled quietly.

I turned back to look at Seungkwan, who had a startled expression on his face. He quickly blinked and turned away from me, trying to hide the shock in his eyes. Slowly, a small smile grew on his face, like he was happy that I had spoken to him for the first time.

Thanks was the first word I had said to him.

It was the only word I had said to him.

The next morning, I was called to the Head Council Office. When I got there, I was greeted by the sight of two buff bodyguards and the District 17 Representative. He ordered the guards to hold me against my will just in case I "tried to make a run for it" or "attempted to hurt him in any way." As the two guards gripped their hands around my arms and held them behind me back, the representative slowly began to walk toward me until his face was only inches away from my own.

"Are you feeling uncomfortable?" He asked, not even respecting a reply.

I tried to open my mouth and tell him.