Jizzie | Hand on Heart

Chapter 32 | New doors?

My feet track the beaten dirt path, as I allow them to carry me.

I can't bear to look around, afraid that it'll break me all over again.

I've only been here once, the day of the ceremony.

The trees were alive and flowers bloomed everywhere.

People flocked to celebrate a life that had brought so much light to everyone.

Now the trees were wilted and dead, the once green leaves now lying, robbed of all colour on the lifeless grass.

The flowers laid around were long since dead, not a single fresh rose in sight.

I block out the sights in my peripheral vision, and reach the end of the path.

Pushing open the gate, I say goodbye to all the other homes made here, and keep walking.

I finally reach the copse.

Surrounded by now colourless trees, I kneel down.

My fingers barely touch the cold stone but it chills me to the bone.

Charlotte Amelia Trinity
A loving daughter, sister and friend
The greatest gift in life is love, and she had so much
You will be missed

I place the familiar bracelet down at the base.

The charm bracelet.

Charlotte's charm bracelet.

The matching one I owned was still around my wrist.

Now hers would remain here.

The tears fall now, and I make no attempt to stop them.

The church and graveyard now behind me, it's just me and her.

We hadn't wanted her to be in the regular area, she'd never liked being surrounded by people, despite being loved by everyone.

So we'd buried her out here, in the nature.

She'd always loved nature, the natural world was her home.

I remember all the drawings she'd done of the wildlife, all the hours she'd spent just sitting in her garden, watching the world go by.

I'd asked why, why do you spend so much time out here, don't you get bored?

She'd smiled, a bright smile that was rivalled only by the sun, "nature is everywhere. It will outlive all of us."

Her warm eyes had left mine at that moment, watching a bird fly overhead.

"They're so free." She sighed, lying back in the grass, "someday, I want to be free. Free to fly, free to live."

I'd snorted, "free to live? What're you even talking about, you are living."

"But am I? What is living. Like really living. Not trapped by society. I want to be able to fly, to see the world from every angle, to climb to the top of the highest tree, to swim to the bottom of the ocean. Soar above the clouds until I can touch the stars."

"I think you've inhaled too much pollen."

She laughed, her blonde hair flowing out behind her, "nature has a beautiful soul, don't you think."

I hadn't replied.

"When I die, I want to become part of nature."

"You're not going to die for a long time, now stop being so silly, you'll turn green at this rate from all the time you spend sitting in the grass."

Charlotte hadn't said anything back to me, only staring into the sky.

"I can't wait to be free."

I clenched my fists and slammed them into the hard ground.

"You weren't supposed to leave me!" I screamed, the tears blurring my vision, "YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T"

I drive my hands further into the ground, "YOU PROMISED. YOU SAID WE'D GROW UP TOGETHER, THAT WE'D DISCOVER THE WORLD TOGETHER.

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU'D ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.

YOU TOLD ME THAT WE'D FLY TOGETHER."

I'm crying uncontrollably.

"You told me, that we'd find freedom, together."

I cry until the tears dry up.

She'd promised me, that we'd do it together.

It was after her mum had found out she was up for a new position at her firm, but she'd have to move to Brazil.

We'd both cried and hugged, and she'd promised me that no matter how far she was, she'd never leave me.

The memory hits me, and I whisper her words to myself.

"Hand on heart. I swear I will always be there for you."

"Hand on heart. I swear we will find that freedom together, that we'll fly together"

"Hand on heart. I swear I will never leave you."

A final tear escapes my eyes.

My own admissions crumble down before me.

How can I promise with anything with my whole heart, if it's broken beyond repair.

How can I promise the things she'd promised me, when I knew it was my fault that she'd never find the freedom she'd wished for.

I'd promised the same things to her that night.

Charlotte's mum never ended up getting the promotion, so she wouldn't be moving away.

But despite this, she'd told me that her words still stood.

I stand up, staring one last time at her grave.

"I'll find it." I promise her, "I'll find that freedom. For you."

I knew I'd failed her, I was the reason that she died, the reason she'd never get to fly.

A new memory surfaced, one that I'd suppressed since it happened.

The day that she died.

I'd rushed to her body, in time to see the life draining out of her.

"Charlotte, stay strong okay, it'll all be okay, you'll be fine, the paramedics are coming and they'll make it all okay."

Her sad eyes met mine, as she shakily clutched my hand "I want you to find your freedom Beth."

I stare into her eyes, tears slipping down my cheeks.

"I want you to find your freedom, because I want you to be happy, that's all I want."

She continues before I can answer.

"I need you to find your freedom, because then I can be free."

And then she was gone.

I knew now that it didn't matter how broken I was inside.

She wanted me to be free, free from the demons that plagued me, free from the past I'd been running from.

Because she wanted me to be happy.

She'd always been like that.

"I can promise it to her" I whisper, my mind clear with a new goal.

So I'll find the freedom she spent her life wishing for.

That she'd wished for me.

And I'll never loose it again.