Oreos, Coffee And Fun Mix. (A Lams Fanfic)

"Goodbye. I'll miss you."

(Trigger Warning:

Attempted suicide)

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" John screamed, clutching his chest as he sat bolt upright in bed.

He had woken up from taking a nap. It was the day before casting, and it was a Sunday.

The Washingtons, including Alexander, were out shopping, having told John they would be a little while.

Recently, John had been getting nightmares. And,

Thoughts.

He didn't tell anyone, due to the fear of being sent to a mental hospital, or therapy.

Those people never understood from his point of view.

John was just, done. He had the ever impending fear of his father finding him, and hurting not him, but Alexander as well.

If John didn't disappear before, then he was doing this himself.

'Just by living, I'm hurting them another day.' John thought, heading upstairs.

He wouldn't be able to regret it, since he'd be dead.

But first, John had to write a letter. To show everyone that it wasn't their fault.

That it was his own actions that led to this.

--

"To my dearest, my loved, my friends, to everyone.

I apologize for this. I don't mean to hurt, or make you feel guilty.

This was entirely my fault. My actions led to this, and only mine.

To Eliza,
Beloved sister, future wife of a lucky guy, girl, or non binary.
Your happiness lights up the room when it needs lighting. You're always supportive, and never turn away from those in need.
You're wonderful.

To Angelica,
Such a tough ass...
Heh. Don't kill me for saying that.
Love you sistar. (Only platonically though )

To Hercules,
You need no introduction my dude.
Go get that lucky person of yours. You deserve them.

To Lafayette,
I've always considered you a brother, and that still hasn't changed.
From the moment we met, we were the closest of friends. An iconic duo. We playfully bullied each other, and supported the other when they needed it most.
I hope you achieve your dreams, get that lucky guy, and help Alex.

To Peggy,
Crazy crack head lesbian bitch.
Since the moment we met in kindergarten, we just clicked.
You were the first person who knew I was gay before I did.
I came out to you first, and you came out to me first.
My sister. I'd say my mother, but that takes it too far, doesn't it?
Make sure the others are always happy, no matter what the situation.

And last but not least,
My love,
My dearest,
My Alexander.
Lexi...
Where can I even start?
Your eyes are like deep pools of chocolate that I can't seem to escape no matter how hard I try.
Your hair is softer than silk, despite looking greasy.
I love describing the tiny details about you, like how you seem to light up with determination every time you do.....anything.
Sorry, I'm not great with words.
Our time together had to be cut short, yes, but hey, this isn't your fault.
Are you accustomed to loss? You've already lost people.
Your father,
Mother,
Cousin,
And maybe more who I'm not even aware exist.
Does this affect you?
My death, my suicide-
I'm getting off track, aren't I?
You deserve the world,
Everything it has to offer.
You don't deserve any of the pain you have received.
The most important thing that I want to say before I bade adieu,
Is that I love you, so much, and no matter what, I want you to smile.
Whenever you think of me,
I want you to smile.
No matter the time or place.
Heck, I really don't give a flying fuck if you're at my funeral.
I can't stand the thought of you being sad. Because of me.
So smile.

All and all,

Goodbye,
I'll miss you. "